Are we there yet??

Ahh, the wedding. We have reached 100% eat, sleep, and breathe wedding mode. Everything that I do anymore has something to do with the wedding. Hooray!

Within 24 hours, virtually my entire family on my dad's side will be in town here, to celebrate in the festivities. A joyous time indeed.

I wish I could enjoy it more. I'll be running wedding errands, and trying to move (right now, I'm about 90% at my parents' house vs. 10% at the new apartment).

At this point, I have all but given up on everything, and just want it to be over. Don't get me wrong--I am so excited about it that I can barely stand it--but there's just so much STUFF that needs to be done and I'm really beginning to doubt that it will all get done. I'm sure when it comes down to it, either it will or it won't, and if it doesn't then it must not have been that important anyway. I just wish that I could have some peace of mind in the midst of all the turmoil around me.

I know I'll survive, as all you married people have. I know it will all be worth it. I just want to see those results NOW not later.

My, how time flies.

As predicted, this month is whizzing by. It's already halfway through, and we're seventeen days away from our wedding. SEVENTEEN. Eep. There is still tons to do, but hopefully it will all get done somehow.

Now that school is over for the semester, I feel like I'm finally starting to believe that this is really happening. As soon as December hit, I began to suspect it was real, but I was still swimming with finals and juries and crazy gig weekends and losing my mind. My brain seems to be returning, for which I am grateful. I have missed it so.

In fact, it was to the point that I actually MISSED my jury this semester. I thought it was the day after it actually was. My pianist Kostya saw my teacher in the hallway, and called me right after that to tell me I had miscalculated my jury time by about 24 hours. Yikes. Thankfully, the faculty were mercifully understanding, and allowed me to play for them during a slot that had opened up the following day (which, by some strange coincidence, happened to be during the exact same ten-minute slot as my baroque jury, of all the ten-minute slots of the day). It all worked out, though, thankfully, and the juries went well, I think.

So, here we are. It's winter here, at least for now (Sunday it was 75 degrees outside, then Monday it had dropped to 24), and things are falling into place.

Oh yeah, and then there's Christmas. Guess I need to get out and do some shopping, in the midst of all my wedding errands.

Long December.

Welcome to the final month of my singleness, ladies and gentlemen. Here I am, putting off what I should be doing (practicing) to do something that has little or no merit at all. But I keep thinking of December, and how by the time it's finished, I will be just hours away from being a married woman. Nonetheless, December is a pretty wild and crazy month. It's prime time for a freelance cellist like myself to prostitute her skills out to various area churches, as well as it's finals and juries, and well . . . CHRISTMAS. It's one of those months where I just have to take one day at a time, but I know it's going to fly by. In the mean time, I'm trying to maintain a small semblance of sanity by highlighting exciting days in my brain:

Dec. 2 : Juries are over !
Dec. 4 : Last class day !
Dec. 5 : Details meeting @ Reception Venue !
Dec. 9 : Last final !
Dec. 10 : Final quartet performance / Baroque cello recital !
Dec. 24 : Christmas Eve / last Christmas church gig !
Dec. 27 : Temple Day !
Dec. 31 : New Year's Eve / Unca Chris's b-day fiesta !
Jan. 2 : Nuptials ! ! ! !

I keep telling myself I need to make it to the 10th before I really start thinking about wedding stuff, but so far that's not going so well. Ay, the whole month is already so busy! I can't believe it.

Life Goals

If I had all the time in the world, I would:

*Learn at least three languages other than English fluently (Spanish, French, Japanese?)
*Go to culinary school / become a foodie
*Write my memoirs
*Write a novel
*Start my vegetarian bakery-cafe
*Become a yogi
*Learn to juggle
*Learn to knit
*Sleep 8 hours every night
*Write more handwritten letters
*Learn how to play the piano
*Get a massage therapy license
*Get SCUBA certified
*Learn my orchestral excerpts really well and practice them daily and
*Learn and memorize all of the presidents of the U.S. in chronological order

Hey There, Delilah

I. Put your iTunes/Ruckus/Napster/etc on shuffle.
II. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
III. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS!
IV. Tag 5 friends who might enjoy doing this. Whoever wants to can do it.

I had to weed through my playlist to get one with songs with titles, versus classical selections with opus numbers and so forth, and this is what I came up with.

1. IF SOMEONE SAYS "IS THIS OKAY" YOU SAY?
On & On - Erykah Badu

2. WHAT WOULD BEST DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY?
I'll Never Fall In Love - Elvis Costello

3. WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
The Girl from Impanema - Astrud Gilberto ("tall, and tan, and young, and lovely . . .")

4. HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?
Hoodlehoo - Brak

5. WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE?
Pretty Woman - Al Green (that's pretty much the only reason I get up in the morning, because I am so pretty)

6. WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO?
Desired Constellation - Bjork

7. WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
What's Goin' On (Live) - Marvin Gaye

8. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR PARENTS?
Smile - Nat King Cole (awww)

9. WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
What a Wonderful Thing Love Is - Al Green (pretty much)

10. WHAT IS 2+2?
Nature Boy - John Pizzarelli Trio (huh?)

11. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?
Red and Yellow - Liz Rhodes

12. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
Do Right Woman, Do Right Man - Aretha Franklin

13. WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
This Way Out - John Pizzarelli Trio

14. WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
Maybe - The Chantels (maybe I want to grow up, but probably not?)

15. WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
Zingor - Zorak ("I've got ants in my pants as I do the mating dance for Zingor . . .")

16. WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
O Pato (The Duck) - Joao Gilberto (quack, quack)

17. WHAT WILL/DID YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
Careless Love - the Hi-Los (ouch, I may want to rethink that one)

18. WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
Smile - Michael Lord (another ouch)

19. WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
The Nearness of You - Norah Jones (oooooh baby)

20. WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
Let's Get it On - Marvin Gaye (that's right, I want to get it on with ALL OF YOU)

21. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
Searching - Erykah Badu

22. WHAT'S THE WORST THING THAT COULD HAPPEN?
Killing Me Softly with His Song - the Fugees (that would suck, yes)

23. HOW WILL YOU DIE?
Feather Queen - Liz Rhodes

24. DOES ANYONE LIKE YOU?
I Just Called to Say I Love You - Stevie Wonder (I'll be waiting for that call)

25. IF YOU COULD GO BACK IN TIME, WHAT WOULD YOU CHANGE?
How Sweet It Is to be Loved By You - Marvin Gaye

26. WHAT HURTS RIGHT NOW?
Easy Living - Billie Holiday (yeah, my life's pretty good)

27. WHAT WILL YOU POST THIS AS?
Hey There Delilah - Plain White T's

A Message From Myself

"Gather ye rosebuds while ye may." I forgot that I set that as the welcome message on my phone, and it made me a little reflective today. But I don't want to be reflective. I am in the mood for a silly post. So, here's a list of random memories in the recesses of my brain.

*In Sunday school once, the boy who used to chew on his socks (after having worn them) fell out of his chair while sitting next to me. Our teacher got mad at him, saying he could have maimed me for life. I didn't know what "maimed" meant, but it didn't sound good, so I was mad at him too.

*In second grade, I drew a picture of a Siamese cat named Ginger, in honor of my beloved cat-loving teacher by the same first name. When I showed it to her, she said, "That's my first name!" and I said, "I know. I named it after you!" Now that I think of it, I don't know if she was happy about that or not.

*I had a really bad dream once when I was quite small. A big, fat, round thing (rope? I don't really know what it was) and a tiny little piece of string. The big, fat, thing smashed the little piece of string. For some reason, that imagery really disturbed me, so much that I woke up crying. My parents came in and comforted me, saying something about how it wasn't fair that the big thing picked on the little thing, but it wasn't any concept behind the dream, but the actually imagery of it that disturbed me so much.

*In middle school, my friends and I had code names for boys we liked. We thought we were being so clever, saying "Baylor" instead of "Taylor" and "Codfish" instead of "Cody."

*My friend Jamey had a sweet dog (cocker spaniel, I think) named Crystal, and a stuffed monkey named Virgil.

RMH, This is Your Life!

Wow, what a whirlwind. I've had several blogworthy insights in the past few weeks, yet have not had the luxury of recording them (the irony of bloggerdom: if you have the time to blog, you often have nothing to blog about; if you have lots to say, you don't have the time to write it out). C'est la vie. My brilliant insights would have carried titles like "What's in a name?" or "An ounce of Preparation" or "Fast Friends." They would have been really good posts. You'd have loved them. But, those insights are probably lost forever: a testament to the fact that being busy isn't always what it's cracked up to be.

Mainly, I just can't believe I'm really and truly at this point in my life. I'm a graduate student. I'm a TA. I'm in my mid-twenties. I'm getting married in just over two months!

I had my first dress fitting on Monday, and it was kind of surreal. There I was, in the store, all dressed in white, being fitted for a WEDDING gown. Crazy. However, though I have been excited all along, I think after four months of engaged-ness, reality is finally beginning to set in. I picked up the invitations today, and it's all starting to look more and more like real life.

And my life is awesome right now. Exceedingly.

Rachel . . .

Rachel is . . .
*inconsistent
*engaged to the most wonderful boy in the world
*a lover, not a fighter
*100% biodegradable
*somewhat flaky
*a respecter of the written word
*unsure of her dreams
*selfish
*much more eloquent on paper than in person

Rachel is not . . .
*who she would like to be
*a pro-wrestler
*a polyglot, much as she would like to be
*humble
*Grace Kelly
*a good liar

Rachel likes . . .
*Andrew K. Richardson
*Johannes Brahms
*cooking and baking
*really good hugs
*snuggling
*handwritten expressions of appreciation
*fall weather
*sunsets
*animals


Rachel does not like . . .
*herself, a lot of times
*inappropriate use of windshield wipers
*the vacuum created when only one car window is open
*neon colors
*radio commercials
*olives
*driving
*dirty socks
*waking up

In poor form.

This week has not been a good one for me. In fact, I have been pretty miserable the whole time. I feel like I have not done a single thing right all week. I am like Midas, only backwards: everything I touch turns to [expletive deleted]. I feel disconnected from everyone and everything that is important to me. I feel lonely. I feel like a dismal failure who will never amount to anything because I cannot figure out how to progress and overcome the weaknesses that I have already diagnosed and treated. It frustrates me to no end that I can't just learn the lesson and move on.

It occurred to me today that this lack of progress is a function of pride. I suppose all along that has been the missing link: humility. After all, why would I bother trying to make improvements upon a lesson I've "already learned?" Alas, I haven't ever really learned anything, and that's why I'm still here, wiggling around with the other worms, not living up to my potential.

I hate it. I hate it so much that I just want to shake myself and say, "Enough already! Let's get on with it!" Unfortunately, it's not that easy. I have a lot of stuff I need to work through. I feel completely overburdened right now, and the fact of the matter is that I have no one on earth that I can blame for my burdens other than myself--this, in turn, leads to more guilt and more weight on my load. Since everything has been sub-par this week, it all stands as a testament to how I cannot do anything right, and I am reassured of my destiny as a colossal failure.

In reality, I know that the things that have been going wrong this week are actually pretty small things in the grand scheme. I suppose that's not the point. It's a mental and emotional thing. I have spent this week convincing myself that I am a failure, and these little things were just evidence supporting my case. This is (and, I fear, will continue to be) a recurring theme in my life. I go through these phases where everything in my sight is colored by the lens of self-deprecation, and life seems to spiral downward from there. Irrational as I know it is, that haunting little voice inside of me is always the first one there to let me know when I've messed up, and to help me assess the damage to my worth. And irrational as I know it is, I almost always believe that little voice.

Again, let me be clear about a few things: I know I don't exactly have a hard life. I have a wonderful, supportive family and a dear, loving fiance who are rooting for me and are there for me. I know that God loves me and has a plan for me, and His plan is bigger than my character flaws. I have been so blessed that I can't even begin to list; I know I have a lot to be grateful for. However, none of this diminishes the fact that I am not where I need to be--nor that I don't even know where that is.

I don't believe that I have ever, in my LIFE, lived up to my potential. I came closest when I was very young, but even then I was limited in my view. I had high standards for myself and my own performance, but those standards were defined by my environment and not by my own ability. I never really tried to be my best, only enough to be better than anybody else (if it was something I was really good at), or to fall somewhere comfortably in the middle of the pack (if it was something I was not so good at). I've been aware of this fact for a while, so I wonder why I don't try to do something about it. Something is holding me back, something that is really crippling me. Or am I crippling myself?

It's a long way down to rock bottom, but there's also an intimidatingly large gap between my current position and the top. And after all these years of trying, I have no idea how to climb . . .

In Loving Memory

Harold Takeo Higa
(23 February 1922 - 14 September 2008)



Thanks for all your prayers on behalf of me and my family. We have felt the love so deeply in this time of mourning, and know that Grandpa Higa was well loved. I know it's silly, but I thought I should do a little post to memorialize my Grandpa. This little plot of cyberspace is nothing much, and certainly cannot hold a candle to his legacy, but it's one of the few venues in my life where I can take a selfish moment if I want to. So, here are the remarks I gave at his memorial service on Thursday, September 25. (The first prose cited is John Donne's "Meditation." The quote about the second Donne poem comes from "Wit," a movie starring Emma Thompson, which happens to be one of my favorite films of all time.)


“No man is an island entire of itself; every man is a piece of the continent, a part of the main. If a clod be washed away by the sea, Europe is the less, as well as if a promontory were, as well as if a manor of thy friend’s or of thine own were. Any man’s death diminishes me, because I am involved in mankind, and therefore never send to know for whom the bell tolls; it tolls for thee.”

Each of us is a product of the people in our lives: every person we meet changes us to some degree, and we carry this influence with us ever after. We have gathered here today to celebrate a legacy we all share—of a man who has touched our hearts and played a significant role in shaping our lives. Indeed, when our dear ones leave us, as we recognize today, it is natural to feel sorrow. We will feel it untimely, and we will sense the world around us is diminished as the result of the loss. These feelings are nearly inevitable, but with open hearts, we begin to realize that our life here on earth is finite by definition. In a plan that is much larger than each of us as individuals, we see that “to every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under heaven” (Ecclesiastes 3:1), and that “life” has a broader definition than a breath or a heartbeat.

I feel blessed to be a part of the ripple of family in Grandpa’s sphere of influence. Family was important to my Grandpa, and I never saw him happier than when he was surrounded by his nearest and dearest. I remember one summer when all of us—Grandma, Grandpa, their daughters and sons-in-law, and all us cousins—gathered for a family reunion in Laie. This gathering meant a lot to Grandpa, who would bring it up at least daily during each of our subsequent visits. You could see in his sparkling eyes and hear in his tender voice as he reminisced about that reunion, even years later, that it meant the world to him to be with his family. When Grandpa passed away, he did so surrounded by his family, those who are present here today in person as well as those in spirit. He was blessed to have loved ones to bid him a temporary farewell from this life, but also to have others welcome him to his new chapter in the life beyond. We can all take comfort in the fact that his deep love for his family and friends is certainly strong enough to transcend this momentary separation.

Imagine the joyous reunion that took place when Grandpa joined his parents and other loved ones gone before him who had touched his life just as he has touched each of ours. Freed from the burden of pain and of other physical limitations, Grandpa is now in a place of peace and respite. He is certainly beaming at least as much now amongst his family and friends as he did with all of us at Laie. While surely he misses us, as we miss him, he can feel the love we send to him and can watch over us and send us his love in return. Love cannot be restrained by distance or separation, even if the separation is across the border of mortality.

Times like this give us pause to reflect upon our existence, and to gain a greater perspective on life and all its forms—from mortality to life everlasting. As we ponder, we realize that this is not the final chapter, but rather a transitory one, which marks not the end of a life, but the beginning of a life everlasting. John Donne emphasizes how temporary it is in one of his Holy Sonnets:

Death, be not proud, though some have called thee
Mighty and dreadful, for thou art not so;
For those whom thou think’st thou dost overthrow
Die not, poor death, nor yet canst thou kill me.
From rest and sleep, which but thy pictures be,
Much pleasure—then, from thee much more must flow;
And soonest our best men with thee do go,
Rest of their bones and soul’s delivery.
Thou art slave to fate, chance, kings, and desperate men,
And dost with poison, war, and sickness dwell;
And poppy or charms can make us sleep as well,
And better than thy stroke. Why swell’st thou then?
One short sleep passed, we wake eternally,
And death shall be no more, death, thou shalt die.

Through this poem, we see that “[n]othing but a breath, a comma separates life from life everlasting. Life, death, soul, God, past present. Not insuperable barriers. Not semi-colons. Just a comma.” What seems to us in our limited view as an insurmountable hurdle is actually no more than a moment, nothing greater than a breath. Beyond that breath are so many of our dear ones that have gone before us, awaiting the opportunity to be with us once again. We can celebrate the influence of our loved ones as it resonates in our own lives, and we can be assured that they are enjoying life everlasting with so many others who have touched their lives. These bonds extend forever in both directions, and the end of this mortal life is nothing but a comma in the midst of a volume so magnificent that we can find neither end nor beginning.

Put another way by Rossiter Worthington Raymond (1840-1918), we can see that “life is eternal, and love is immortal, and death is only a horizon, and a horizon is nothing save the limit of our sight.”

Tag, I'm it!

I used to love these surveys--they were all over my xanga (remember xanga?). So, I'll happily oblige you, Tally.

Did you date someone from your school?
I had a "boyfriend" for about a week or so in 9th grade, but it was super-awkward and I broke up with him when he hugged another girl in front of me in the hallway--real mature, I know. After that, I only went on a handful of dates (very few of them repeat dates), and fell in love a few thousand times.


What kind of car did you drive?
1991 Nissan Stanza, maroon: "Stanley." He was a good car--standard transmission, which made me feel pretty slick.


High School Memories

Were you a party animal?
My weekends consisted mostly of saran-wrapping, documentary-making, and Disney-channel-watching. Party hearty.

Were you considered a flirt?
Not a flirt, but definitely boy-crazy. And a cuddle-slut.

Were you in band, orchestra, or choir?
Or-chest-ra

Were you a nerd?
Probably a lot.

Were you on any varsity teams?
I lettered in orchestra. And PALS (Peer Assistance Leadership Skills)

Did you ever get suspended or expelled?
I used to get early-morning detentions all the time for being tardy to first block. I never understood how they thought I could make it to an early detention at 7:55 (or whenever it was) if I couldn't make it to my class at 8:40.

Who were your favorite teachers?
Sra. Parton (whom I had for all 4 years of Spanish and for some reason just loved me), Doc Edwards ("Don't be an intellectual pansy!" / "Read the WHOLE BOOK!"), Doc Bowman (for his impeccable taste in classic films), Maria "Mario Heffers" Jeffers ("Think of all the starving kids in Africa who don't get a chance to play the cello!"), Mr. Roth ('cause he used to throw erasers at people).

Could you still sing the fight song?
Not in the least.

Where did you sit during lunch?
"Instrumental Hall" (since we shared it with the band, we couldn't call it the band hall or the orchestra room and still be politically correct) or the Mormon Table

What was your school's full name?
Billy C. Ryan High School (named after the great football coach--ahh, Texas)

Did you go to Homecoming?
It was my first official date sophomore year, with Josh Terry. Junior year I went on a blind date with this totally adorable boy named Zack, I think. Senior year was one of the most uncomfortable dates I've ever been on with a kid in one of my classes to whom I'd scarcely ever spoken.

What do you remember most about graduation?
Ben Lynch's talk was way better than Donna Ean's, the orchestra sounded a lot worse from outside of it, and it was really hot outside.

Where did you go senior skip day?
We didn't have a senior skip day--we were too much of slackers to organize one!

Were you in any clubs?
Spanish Club, NHS, Spanish NHS, PALS, French Club, and (of course) The Clique

Have you gained some weight since then?
Depressingly large amounts of weight

Are you going to your 10 year reunion?
*shrug* It'll be fun to give people a chance to feel better about themselves when they see that I'm a starving artist and they're rich

System Overload!

There is so much going on right now I don't even know where to start. Never before have I been so blessed and so tried at the same time. I can already tell this year is going to be a huge learning experience for me.

I've started into my new job, TAing for the baroque orchestra. It's been really good so far, and I'm enjoying it very much. I still don't know how much I'll be making, but it's the perfect job for me right now. I've already got a few gigs lined up for this semester, which is also nice. Hooray for being gainfully employed! Wedding plans are crawling along, and I'm excited to delve deeper into those once I figure out when I have time to do so. I have the most wonderful fiancé in the world--he's such a blessing in my life, and it means the world to me to have his support and loving hand in such crazy times as this . . .

Today is my birthday: at 4:54 AM, I turned 24.

A few hours later, about 5 AM Hawai'i time (about 9 AM here), my grandfather passed away. He's been battling cancer for the past few months, and the last few weeks in particular have been rough. We've all been expecting it, but it's still a lot to process. He died peacefully, surrounded by family, and his physical suffering is now come to an end. It's really kind of a relief, actually, but it's always sad when someone you love leaves the planet.

To add to the pile of already conflicting emotions and stresses, I spoke in church today. For those unfamiliar with the LDS Church, our sermons are not given by preachers or priests, but instead by members of the congregation. My commission was to give a 15 minute talk on "Opening Our Hearts," based on a talk from our General Conference which was not itself any more than probably seven minutes long. I scarcely made it to the podium before I burst into tears, and only slightly regained composure after that.

Yet another dimension to this is the fact that I've been asked to speak at Grandpa's funeral. I'm to be the last speaker, and to speak on eternal families. In the LDS Church, we have a strong belief in eternal families, and the importance of the family in God's plan. Interestingly enough, though, I'm going to be speaking to an audience of people who are not themselves LDS. I really need some help to give this talk, because it's something so dear to my heart, and I know my emotions will be just barely below the surface. I need help to be able to deliver such an important, meaningful, and timely message with the dignity and clarity it requires.

All in all, my heart and my brain are both on overload. I just don't know where to place all this information (the hormones probably aren't helping--Thanks, Aunt Flo!), and I find myself completely at a loss as to how to react to anything. I guess all I can do is to continue to thank the Lord for all the blessings in my life and all the many opportunities. It will take a while for me to sort through all of this, but in the mean time I'm glad to have the support of a wonderful family and a great fiancé. I am so blessed.

The Juxtaposition Game

Lately, I've been thinking of how it's funny to put things that are different against one another and laugh at what separates them. Everybody likes to laugh at differences! Here're a few gems:




How the Democratic National Convention does cowboy hats. They look like pretty normal people, right?




How the G.O.P. Convention does cowboy hats. Now, I'm not making any political statements here, but I will say that I have a hard time taking people seriously who dress in matching cowboy hats if they're anyplace but a rodeo (or, y'know, my high school's Honor Guard).

Here's another one:



"Hi, I'm a Mac."




" . . . and I'm a PC." I particularly like how they're doing the same thing, but Steve Jobs just looks SO MUCH COOLER than ol' Bill Gates.

Then, of course, "it's like . . . "








There you go. Lots of fun, eh?

10 Things I Used to Dislike But Now Like:

1. Drinking water. I guess when you're a kid you're all about milk and Kool-Aid and stuff (not that my mom let me drink Kool-Aid as a kid), and I thought water was gross. Nowadays, I can't get enough of the stuff.

2. Taking showers (versus baths). You can't splash as well, but it makes rinsing your hair easier.

3. Brushing my teeth. I used to be a terrible brusher, but I think I was scared straight when I had two cavities once. Ever since then, I get nothing but rave reviews from the dentist, and take great pride in my oral hygiene.

4. Tomatoes, onions, mushrooms, sharp cheddar, mustard, pepper, oatmeal cookies, yellow squash, grape nuts, fish, sprouts, Altoids, and dark chocolate.

5. Attending classical music concerts.

6. The fact that I'm half-Japanese.

7. Cleaning my room.

8. Nonfiction.

9. Exercising.

10. Sleeping.

My Birthday Wishlist

As you all know, my birthday is rapidly approaching. I don't want you all to stress out about finding me the perfect gift, so in order to make it easy for you, I'll post some great gift ideas in varying price ranges, although in no particular order.

*Canon PowerShot 8.0 MP digital ELPH camera. I don't really expect this at all, but the real fact of the matter is that I don't expect to get ANYTHING on my list, so I can dream, right?? I somewhat hate my current digital camera, and I've heard nothing but positive reviews from those who have Canons.

*Heroes, particularly season 1 (but secondarily season 2)

*a bike lock

*gift cards are always fun

*the Black Hole rockstop

*mechanical pencils

*a Korg tuner

*your favorite CD

Home again, home again . . . jiggity jig.

Well, Texas is as Texan as ever, and I'm glad to be back in the Lone Star State. That said, I should also say that I do, in fact, miss those wonderful people with whom I spent those six weeks in Vermont, albeit some more than others. There were some really neat kids there, and I hope to cross paths again someday . . .

Nevertheless, the reigning emotion is definitely a happy one. I got to see the Pre-Hub for a little while right when I got in, which was nice. I am now sure, though, that it's going to be rough for these next four months or so when we won't be able to see very much of one another. It'll all work out, though.

Auntie, Uncle, and Cousin blew in from Boulder last night and left this afternoon. They met The Boy whilst he was visiting the Denver area a few weeks ago, and (of course) they reported positively on the meeting. They said they were impressed he was so composed and such a good sport about it all. I got a good one, that's for sure. :-)

I cannot believe school starts next week. I have hardly even thought of it. In fact, I somewhat forgot that I even WENT to school--I guess it's just been the last thing on my mind what with wedding stuff and then Vermont-ness. Strange, really.

Yikes.

If I thought I was anxious to be home before, I am at least twenty times more anxious now. Recent events have left me totally disenchanted with the human race, for reasons which I don't really feel good about publishing on my so widely read blog. The main point is that I feel like there have been violations of basic human decency; this, added to the already rampant gossip and backbiting that is going on, leaves me completely exhausted and dreaming of a place where people can at least pretend to get along.

It's been a while since I've been the recipient of such anger (for a few moments, I thought I'd NEVER been, but I quickly remembered distinctly another such instance), and I just don't do well with being yelled at. I'm a lover, not a fighter, and in my mind, everyone should just be able to get along, at least enough to have a positive working relationship.

The negativity of this environment has proven very toxic, and unfortunately it's also completely contagious. The moment one person starts finding faults and pointing them out, everyone else will find other things that should be different, people who should be fired, people who should be forbidden to talk, etc. Soon, everyone around is criticizing everyone else, but no one is saying anything to anyone's face. The result is an environment where people don't trust one another, and where very little growth will take place.

I've been largely unsuccessful myself in maintaining innocence as far as all this goes. I complain along with everyone else, because--at least for a time--it makes me feel a little better about the situation. Interestingly enough, the universal bitching at least lends a certain sense of unity; after all, misery loves company. However, the truth is that no amount of negativity is ever productive. There is certainly something to be said for candid (but careful) honesty, and for constructive criticism, but one never needs to resort to being unkind, being curt, or disobeying the common laws of human decency.

That said, I would just like to say that Tuesday cannot possibly come soon enough. I'm ready to be in a positive environment again.

Yargh . . .

It's almost over, I keep telling myself. It's almost over.

A week from tomorrow, I'll be on my way back to Texas, and I could not be happier about that. I have enjoyed my time here. I've been able to play great music and been able to meet some really cool people. There are certainly problems with this particular festival which I could discuss with you ad nauseum, but all in all I guess I'm glad I came. I've been fighting a somewhat toxic environment, but I'm learning a lot about how to work with others and how to be a better person, if not about how to play chamber music better.

As the end approaches, I am looking forward to the things that are happening next year. School starts a week after I get back, and I haven't thought at all about what's going on with that. There are still wedding things that need to be taken care of pretty quickly, which will be fun . . . but perhaps less fun with the stress of a semester wearing down on me, which is why I'd like to get as much taken care of early on as possible. The tricky thing will be that The Boy is now living in a different city than I, and certain things will be made considerably more difficult because of that. I have a feeling that the next few months while we're engaged and only able to see one another on the weekends will be trying times, but also that it will help us to better appreciate being together come January.

I was going to type a bunch of mushy stuff right here, but I don't want to be responsible for anyone's computer being ruined due to vomit. Suffice it to say, I will be glad to see The Boy again when I get back.

Plus the kitty and doggy. I had a dream the other night that when I got back, the kitty got really excited and jumped up on my shoulder (which, for the record, she has been known to do). I bet she's all growed up these days.

Thankfully, the MMF Spirit Committee has designed Spirit Week this week to break up the monotony during the last week here. Today is Mismatch day, so I'm sporting a pink and silver tank layered over a snakeskin blouse and a blue striped button-down, a periwinkle skirt and my grey yoga pants. This is the most excellent outfit I have ever worn in my life. I'm glad there will be something to make this week more tolerable, because I have a feeling it is going to take a long time to get to next Tuesday.

. . . and closer . . .

Well, I've been feeling so blessed lately, I feel like I should show my gratitude for all the good things in my life, at least in some small measure.

I'm grateful to be here in beautiful Manchester, to have the experience to make new friends and play great music, to learn how to work with different personalities and, as always, to learn more about myself in the process of all of this. This is not to say at all that I'm not THRILLED that my time here is almost done, that in a week and a half I'll be heading back home, but I am grateful for the opportunity to be here.

I'm grateful for my wonderful family, for the support that they give to me. I have the best parents in the world, and the best big brother and sister-in-law. I miss them, but I'm so glad to know that they love and support me.

I'm grateful for my fantastic fiance, and for our future together. It's been hard to be away from him for so long so quickly after having become engaged (I left a week after he proposed), but if nothing else it has underscored the fact that I don't want to be apart from him any longer than I have to. It's been neat to hear him talk about all the developments in his life in these past few weeks, but I wish I could be there with him through it all. I'm really proud of him for taking on the "real world" and I'm so excited to be a grown-up with him. :-)

I'm grateful for the blessing of opportunity, and for the prospect of being gainfully employed with a rather ideal job next year: one that still allows for gigging, but that also provides a regular paycheck as well as medical benefits. This is amazing.

I'm grateful for the rewards that have come from planning ahead. Things are falling into place very well right now, and I can only attribute it to a loving God who is blessing me for taking a step into the dark and putting trust in Him. I could hardly call it coincidence that so much is just being placed in front of me, but I know it's true that "His eye is on the sparrow, and I know he watches me."

Getting closer . . .

Hello, and happy August 2nd!

It's a good day. I'm glad that it's August, because now I'm in the same month that I will return home, which makes the time left here in Vermont much more manageable. Just over two weeks, and I'll be on my way back to Texas, where the world makes more sense.

Additionally, the fact that it's August 2nd means that five months from today, I will be married to the man of my dreams! We were able to have a really nice, long talk yesterday, and as we chronicled our entire story from the first time we really talked until this point, I became more and more grateful for The Boy. We have already built so many wonderful memories, and I can't wait to get home so we can build some more.

These days, I feel like I'm being blessed more than I deserve. The opportunities that are falling into my lap are more than I could ever hope for, and I can hardly believe how everything seems to be falling into place. Now that I think of it, I wonder if maybe by writing about how well everything seems to be working out I will jinx it all. Of course, I'm so thankful that I made the decision to move back to Texas, because none of this would have been the case if I hadn't somewhat blindly taken the audition and come back. It was the best semi-whim I ever had.

So, I'll be back home soon enough, and in the arms of the one I love. Life looks so much better from this side of the hump than it did from the other side, when I wrote my last post. Hooray for the passage of time!

The Wonderful World of Manchester

Vermont is exactly what you would call "idyllic." Manchester, in particular, is just as quaint and charming as you could possibly imagine (due, I suspect, to ridiculous zoning laws). The entire town looks a lot like this:



Adorable, isn't it? There's so much green and cute little cottages and shops and sheepdog trials and anything you could imagine that is adorable. I've decided, though, that there are a different set of rules in Vermont than elsewhere.

1. You must mow your lawn (on a riding mower, no matter how large or small your lawn is) at LEAST three times a week.
2. Fifty percent of the citizens must drive Subarus.
3. You may not wear jeans with holes in them.
4. You may not use any swear words, or any obscene hand gestures.
5. You may not have sex.
6. All shops must be closed by 8pm (or earlier, if possible).

I'm not entirely sure about #5 (haven't done a lot of research), but they have all these cute little Bed and Breakfasts, and every house here looks like it could be on a postcard, and I think the entire state would lose its innocent charm if people were doing The Nasty inside their adorable little country cottages.

Anyway, it's great here, if a little humid (and this room a little musty-smelling). We're two weeks down, four to go, and I am definitely missing home, and that special someone who I get to marry in a few months. I know, call the wah-mbulance.

I'm a Thief!

I stole this from Jessie's blog. She didn't tag me, but I'm sitting here at the church with no space to practice but with internet access--so here goes:



10 years ago: I was thirteen--just out of 7th grade--awkward, and trying desperately to be "cool," which at thirteen meant little more than wearing the right kind of shoes and hanging out with the right people (even so, I couldn't quite cut it). I was unhappy and trying to be someone I was not, and having a hard time trying to make who I was and who I wanted to be the same person.

5 years ago: It was the summer between high school and my first year of college, and was in very many ways an important one for me. I was eighteen and thought I had reached the pinnacle of my existence. During this summer, I had my first pseudo-boyfriend (along with my first kiss), was preparing madly for the cross-country move, and DEFINITELY thought the world revolved around me.

5 months ago: It was January. I had just returned from a trip to Hawai'i with my family--the first time I'd been away from Andy since we'd started dating three months prior--and I'd just realized how much I missed him and wanted him to be a part of my life.


5 things on my to-do list:

1. practice, practice, practice
2. write a letter to the grandparents
3. call the temple
4. try to get a hold of the lady for a ride to church on Sunday
5. practice some more


5 snacks:

1. baby carrots
2. apples and peanut butter
3. Clif bars
4. peanut butter crackers
5. okay, cookies.


5 billionaire things:

1. buy a house for Andy and me
2. buy a baroque cello, and maybe upgrade my modern cello
3. travel the world: Japan, India, Egypt, Australia, Thailand, Brazil, etc.
4. found a school for children in developing countries
5. donate to lots of charities


5 places I have lived:

1. Sierra Dr.
2. Magnolia St.
3. The Regency #11
4. The Regency #13
5. The Random House


5 things you might not know about me:

1. My right eye is way worse than my left eye
2. I'm a sucker for reality TV shows
3. I've been a vegetarian since my freshman year of high school
4. My bra size
5. I wash my feet almost every night before I go to bed


5 people I tag:

I refuse to tag five people.

Hip hip hooray!

The most exciting discovery of the day is the fact that there is a very strong wireless signal at the church where all our activities are housed for the festival. If I'd known that before, I could have been checking my email from the comfort of my own laptop during my lunch hour!

So far, so good, though, here in the Manchester Music Festival. Vermont is beautiful, and so ridiculously green. I guess I'm used to Texas, where there is just death all summer long. The weather is great, if a little moist, and the people are really nice. I'm sharing a house with four other musicians, and it's great.

Saw Wall-E on Saturday night, and it made me cry. I missed The Boy so very much--the vast majority of the movies I have seen recently have been with him, and it made me sad to watch a movie about robot-love and not have him next to me. I just wanted to hold his hand and put my head on his shoulder and be close to him . . . sigh. I'm a sap.

Today, I get to teach a ten-year-old boy how to play the cello from ground zero. We get a week to teach them, and I don't know how effective that is going to be. Oh well. I'm glad I have one of the older kids and not one of the tiny ones.

Anyway, I miss everyone. Especially The Boy. Sigh.

In the Green Mountains . . .

As soon as the rest of my quintet gets here, I'm going to have to drop this post and go play some Dvorak, but for right now, let me just briefly tell you what's going on:

I'm here in Vermont, at the Manchester Music Festival, playing chamber music all day and enjoying the beautiful, charming town that surrounds me. I'm playing the Dvorak piano quintet, and also the Arensky two cello quartet, both of which are great fun. It's so far been great, and I'm far less homesick than I was in Toronto. I don't really know why that is, but I suspect it may have to do with the fact that I know some people and I'm not living all by myself.

Anyway, the rest of the group is here now, so I'd better go start unpacking to be ready to play my little heart out.

Maybe I'll update more later, but I don't have anyplace for easy internet access, so that's not a surety.

The Question

It was perfect. :-)

"The Question"
(Old 97s)

She woke from a dream
Her head was on fire
Why was he so nervous?
He took her to the park
She crossed her arms
And lowered her eyelids

Someday, somebody's gonna ask you
A question that you should say yes to
Once in your life
Baby, tonight I've got a question for you

She had no idea
Started to cry
She said in a good way
He took her by the hand
Walked her back home
And they took the long way

Someday, somebody's gonna ask you
The question that you should say "yes" to
Once in your life
Maybe tonight I've got a question for you

I've got a question for you...

Walking Down Memory Lane

I spent all day yesterday cleaning out our living room bookshelf and entertainment center. It took forever--there was so much dusting to be done, and the whole thing needed to be reorganized. Luckily for me (and my easily distractable self), there were plenty of artifacts to keep me entertained along the way.

The first gem I found was a home video tape, containing two videos from my Spanish class, a tribute video two of my best friends and I had made for another of our friends who had moved away, and various other snippets of brilliance. I can't believe how much my friends and I have changed since high school. I used to wear nothing but baggy t-shirts and jeans--which I now see was a complete shame, because I had a cute little bod back then. One of my friends, on the other hand, has since dropped a significant amount of weight, and is now much happier and healthier than before. The other . . . well, I have no idea what has happened to her. I haven't heard from her in ages, despite my attempts at contact.

After that, I found the photo albums. Pictures of my parents when they were younger, and THEIR parents, too. Especially intriguing to me was a collection of comics of my dad's that his mother had collected and compiled--pretty funny stuff. It was all about robots and aliens and computers. I loved my parents' wedding album, too. They were so young, so happy! It touched me to see some of the first moments of their life together.

Life is precious. Savor every moment, or as we say in the BBLD Club: "Make Life Tasty!"

Bittersweet Endings

Well, there are only two days left until I return back to the land of my inheritance. I'm really, really glad that I did this workshop--I think it will help my baroque playing and has definitely helped me keep my chops in good shape over the summer--but I'm also really, really, really glad that it's so close to being over. Very soon, I'll be back on the plane to Texas, and I couldn't be more excited.

Like I said, though, it's been a really good experience for me. I've learned a lot about Baroque playing and about general musicianship, and I definitely have grown from this. They do a really good job here--everything is super-organized and they're definitely aware of what's going on, which is often not the case. Plus, Toronto's just a cool city--I like it here.

As far as my excitement for going home, I guess I was just homesick. I miss my family and friends, the doggy (who just had surgery yesterday, poor thing) and the kitty, and of course The Boy. In fact, that's most of the reason I'm so anxious to be back home. It's been interesting, though, how that's all worked out.

For the first few days I was here, I was just really sad and pouty. I missed The Boy terribly, and I could see that it was going to be a really long two weeks ahead. Very shortly after I arrived in Toronto, my parents sent me an email saying that one of my professors had contacted them asking if I wanted to participate in a six-week chamber music festival out of state--that they were short a cellist and he'd thought of me. I was caught between a rock and a hard place. I knew it would be a great opportunity, but if I was having such a hard time only a few days into my two-week trip, how would I handle that times three?

It took a lot of thought and prayer (along with plenty of tears--and if you know me at all, you know I mean PLENTY), but I finally arrived at the conclusion that I needed to go ahead and take the opportunity I was so blessed to have been given. As soon as I came to that conclusion, the issue of geography seemed to be an insignificant one. This is definitely one of those instances where the Lord has blessed me for taking a step forward in faith; I feel pretty certain that I'd still be miserable if it weren't for that. Of course I still miss him immensely, but instead of looking at the days that stand between us with dread and horror, I can simply look forward to the day I get to see him. It's a small change, but it's made all the difference in my ability to cope with the situation. It's amazing, isn't it?

In Canada . . .

Canadian squirrels are much less cute than American squirrels.

Here's a cute little American grey squirrel:



Awww! Now have a look-see at his Canadian counterpart:



Oh, well. I guess it could be worse. It could be the dreaded Russian squirrel:



Ahh, thank you, Google Image Search.

Well, life's crazy. I don't really want to get into what I mean by that exactly until things are finalized, but I will say that I think it's true what John Lennon said: "Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans." I can't even begin to tell you the number of times life has snuck up on me and given me something great (and totally unexpected). I guess it's just a testament of the fact that there is someone up there looking out for me, and that He knows what is best for me.

Thanks.

Where are the bells and confetti?

Welcome, everyone, to my 100th post, entitled:

"O, Canada."

I've decided that Canada is what happens when America and Great Britain have a baby. Stuff is mostly the same here, but different. For instance, today I bought some gum:



Not so unusual, but vaguely reminiscent of something I recall from back home:



I also was shocked to realize that here, to end transactions, they don't always thank you. The first time I went to the grocery store here, I lingered at the counter for a good ten seconds after my transaction had ended, thinking I'd missed signing the receipt or something, because the cashier didn't thank me and wish me a good day. I left feeling cheated.

There's also matters of semantics, like calling them "washrooms" instead of "bathrooms." This is all good and well, but when your "washroom" looks something like the one in my dorm, you begin to wonder how much good it's doing you to wash there.

And then there's the luxurious room in which I'm privileged to stay. At least it has a bed, and a desk. The chairs are nothing to sing about . . .



The other thing about my dorm is that its layout is really confusing, at least to me and my already weak sense of direction. The other day, I tried exiting the building through a stairwell I thought I'd successfully used earlier that day. It turns out that it was actually an emergency exit, which somehow means that you actually CAN'T exit through it--at least not without setting off an alarm. I walked all the way up and down the stairs several times, and all of the doors to every floor were locked. I wasn't too encouraged when I saw someone else had been there before me:



Thankfully, after a relatively brief period of banging on the door, some girls working on the fourth floor came to my rescue (though they were looking at me strangely). All in all, it's been an adventure so far. Onward ho!

Is it just me . . . ?

You know how people are sending mass invites to wedding groups on facebook these days? Groups like, "Ferdinand and KoKo need your address!!!!!" or "JimBo and Cruella are getting married and want you there!!!"

Am I the only one who gets these and wonders every time if it's a mistake? Maybe it's a testament to my low self-esteem, but every time I get one of those group invites, I think to myself, "Oh, they probably clicked my name by accident." I think, "We were never really that close," or "I haven't talked to her in so long," or "Why would he want me there?" I almost always assume that it was an error in clicking--that they meant to click on some OTHER Rachel in their list, and just happened to click my name instead. Sigh.

So then it puts you in an awkward position. You really WANT the mass facebook invite to be something more, to be a symbol of the fact that they want you to be there on their special day, and you wish more than anything else that it's a genuine, heartfelt invitation intended just for you . . .

but what if it's not? What if you reply, as requested, with your address, and the sender of the invitation realizes that you weren't on The List, and they messed up. Now they know that you think you're better friends than they think you are! And there's no way to recover from something like that. On the other hand, what if they DID intend it for you personally, and you DON'T reply? Then THEY feel sad, like it's not an important invitation to you, and you've just disregarded their desire to include you in their special day. It's a lose-lose situation.

I guess this is rooted in my personal paranoia that I always like people more than they like me--a terror that has been with me ever since I was very young.

The Truth About Cats and Dogs

Our beagle, Zoë, is coming up on ten years (70 in dog years).



She's a sweet dog (as you can see), but she has gotten quite used to ruling the roost around here. It must have come as quite a shock when we introduced a new family member to her a little more than a week ago. Enter Yuki (Japanese for "snow"), a siamese-tabby mix of about 9 weeks now:



She's pretty adorable, but has thrown off Zoë's groove. Initially, our 25-lb. beagle was absolutely TERRIFIED of the tiny house kitten. She wouldn't go near the little furball. After that wore off, no one knew what to think. Being a beagle, Zoë was immediately overcome with an intense desire to sniff the kitten, which in turn made the kitten nervous, which in turn led to her running away, and a chase inevitably ensued.

Really, though, the problem was simply that neither party knew what to think of the other. They were afraid of each other because they didn't understand one another. It was a difference of culture: the two didn't have any commonalities in language (neither uttered or acted), in appearance, in tendencies, or in anything else that might help them to make sense of one another.

Neither kitty nor doggy trusted the other. They would approach one another in curiosity, but it would always happen that one or the other would get too nervous and lunge at the other, resulting in some altercation.

Isn't this just the same as the human predicament? We are afraid of what we don't understand. When it tries to approach us, we bare our teeth or draw our claws just in case it so happens that it's out to get us. Trust is difficult; it's much easier to mistrust and exercise the "fight or flight" instinct.

Sometimes, though, all it takes is for the two parties in question to exist in one another's presence for a little while . . .



They're still not best friends, but at least there's hope.

I Like Lists.

(Non-inclusive, and in no particular order.)

Things I'm Not Good At And Wish I Could Do Better:
*reading music
*playing the cello
*opening things (doors, containers,packages)
*speaking Spanish
*making friends
*acting upon my positive impulses
*running
*using curling iron
*flipping things (like omelets and pancakes)
*driving
*taking photos
*arm-pit farting


Things I'm Not Good At And Don't Care to Improve Upon:
*video games
*most sports
*painting nails
*French-braiding
*lying
*walking in a straight line

So close, yet so far . . .

I can scarcely remember being quite so anxious for a semester to end. And while my semester will not officially be done until I turn in the paper (which will undoubtedly be mostly B.S.) for my Intro to Music Research class, in exactly twelve hours, I will be a much freer woman, having just finished my oral presentation for the same class and also my jury. Huzzah!

I think my plans for celebration will be as follows:

1. Change out of my nice clothes
2. Eat some ice cream
3. Take a nap
4. Exercise
5. Take a shower
6. Take another nap

Yes, sounds good to me.

I've had a lot of random thoughts lately, and no time in which to record them. In fact, even as I write now, I should be doing something else. However, I have sadly discovered that there is an inverse relationship between the amount of things I have to do and my desire to do them. The same is true of the relationship between how vitally important or urgent a task is and my desire to complete it. Am I crazy or does this happen to anyone else?

Thought #1: EMPATHY

I consider myself to be a pretty empathic person, but I could definitely be doing better. I think my concentration lies too heavily on relating to people I'm close to in one way or another: friends, family, schoolmates, etc. This isn't the sum of it, though. We are, after all, part of the same human family. It's unbelievably hard to strike a balance wherein you are concerned with the well-being of your fellow man without being consumed by guilt and pain because so much of the world is suffering so much of the time. I guess the main idea is just to trust that God puts in our paths those people who we need and who need us, while still maintaining an interest in mankind as a whole. I believe that we are all connected, and what happens to one happens to all.

Thought #2: YOUR REACH SHOULD EXCEED YOUR GRASP

Some people are always trying new things. Some people are always afraid to try new things. There are those who thrive on challenge and the uncertainty of results, and there are those who shrink away from anything whose end cannot be seen from the beginning. Much as I'd like to try and convince myself otherwise, I definitely fall in the latter category. There are times in my life that I reflect, and wonder what would have happened if I had opted for a gamble rather than a sure thing. My whole life, it seems, has been lived on the Path of Least Resistance. In everything I do, I consider carefully whether or not there is a chance that I will fail, and if so, how drastic the failure will be. If the risk is too great, I don't even bother. The result of this is that I am never sure of my full potential. I don't know what my limits are, because I always try to stay safely inside of them, rather than stretching them. It's safe because I can always fall back on, "Well, if I'd REALLY tried, I could have done it." My mistake is in believing that any growth occurs while inside the comfort zone.

Thought #3: WHAT'S YOUR MOTIVATION?

WE all know it's possible to do the right thing for the wrong reason. I just don't want to be that guy. So, I often opt to avoid doing it at all, whatever '"it" may be. Again, probably not the best approach.

Anyway, I know I've had more random thoughts, but my nearly-dead computer is freaking out now, so I'd better cut it short.

Taste of Perfection

There are few things in life that can be classified as perfect. It's an ideal that we are all constantly striving to achieve, and constantly missing. There are flaws, there are mistakes, there are shortcomings to everyone and everything.

Or almost everything. Today, I found a rarity.

This diamond in the rough exudes perfection and beauty simply by existing. I was brought nearly to tears when I first saw it, and found myself trembling with anticipation, aching with a desire to become intimately acquainted with such perfection. I could hardly contain myself, and although it would have been wildly inappropriate given the time and location, nevertheless, it was all I could do to keep from giving in to such desires.

So there I was, standing in the ice cream aisle of the grocery store, looking for the perfect flavor to celebrate my post-concert adrenaline. I'm a huge fan of ice cream in general, but not a huge fan of paying seven bucks for a half gallon, especially when it's just some boring flavor. By the same token, I also believe that some things (ice cream included) deserve only the very best treatment. I figure if you're going to eat ice cream at all, it'd better be the good stuff, or else you better be making a root beer float or something.

But the light of heaven shone down upon this carton of ice cream.

Peanut butter cookie dough.

That's right, peanut butter flavored ice cream with peanut butter cookie dough chunks, which translates into SHEER BLISS. Now, I would happily have paid five dollars for such a flavor, but it was the STORE BRAND, so it was less than three dollars! Way to go, Kroger. I gotta say, I don't know why that's not a standard in ice cream flavors, because it is AMAZING. You should all go try some.

I'm a loser baby, so why don't you kill me?

Do you ever have those days where you just feel incredibly socially inept? Today was one of those for me. To make matters even better, I now feel guilty for being so lame. Awesome.

This is dumb. I love people, and I love being around people. So how is it that I feel so awkward sometimes? I guess a lot of it is tied to the fact that I suck at conversation. Or perhaps it's not even that so much as the fact that I FEEL LIKE I suck at conversation. So anytime I'm isolated with someone, I freak out, thinking that there is no way I can keep this person amused for the required duration of time, and instead of speaking naturally as I would with someone with whom I'm very comfortable, I spend most of the time in inner monologue saying nothing more than, "COME UP WITH SOMETHING TO SAY . . . NOW!"

I like entertaining guests, but that, too is something I haven't quite mastered. Sometimes, I feel like my parties go really well. Sometimes, they just plain suck. And then I feel really awful for having drug people to my house for some lame party that just sucks. Then I become the Thrower of Lame Parties. Then I become friendless.

I suppose this is also due in part to the fact that The Boy is out of town this weekend. I became grafted into his circle of friends as soon as we started dating, and now that I think of it (which thinking is admittedly colored by a current state of self-pity and general depression), I wonder if maybe I'm no more than an appendage to him. After all, I rarely am the one they call when "everyone's" doing something.

It was nice visiting my old friends for Spring Break for just such reasons--there, I really felt like people genuinely LIKED me. People disrupted their routines to spend time with me! Of course, I'm not suggesting that life should be like that all the time, with people putting everything aside to hang out with my illustrious self, but I guess my point is just that I really don't have that kind of network here. I don't know who I would call (after my parents and The Boy) if I were in desperate need of something.

On the up side of things, this means that (as either a cause or an effect) my Relationship with The Boy is growing deeper and more meaningful all the time. His being away is helping me to realize how much I rely on him. I do feel incomplete without him, as cliché and silly as that sounds.

Anyway, I want to be done whining and self-pitying, so I'm going to end this post now.

Looking back . . .

It's been delightful to visit with friends and loved ones in this, the locale of my undergraduate career, for these past two days. It's been delightful to catch up on the gossip in the School of Music, to make up for all the Girl Talk I've missed, and just to be around so many people I love so dearly. I've been pretty surprised, actually, at how wonderful my reception has been--I sort of thought that people had forgotten about me and I had faded from the consciousness of the population. I was shocked to discover that people to whom I introduced myself would say, "Oh, I know who you are. Everybody talks about you ALL THE TIME."

I knew that I missed everyone here, but I guess I didn't realize how much until I came and saw everyone. In a way, it's very much like I never left. At the same time, I feel a certain sense of disconnectedness--I am no longer a part of this community.

Part of the strangeness comes from the fact that I feel myself in somewhat of a time warp. I keep seeing people and thinking they look like someone I know, and then I have to quickly evaluate whether it's feasible for them to be in this particular location at this time. We do that all the time anyway, but usually it's easier. You have a pretty good handle on people that you regularly, and if it looks like someone you know from some other stage in your life, odds are it's actually not. Here, though, I do see people from my "former" life, and it's weird.

The long and short of it is that I love everyone, and I'm glad I've gotten to visit.

Keep Your Hands and Feet Inside the Vehicle . . .

I would classify the past few weeks as having been an emotional roller coaster. I don't know what it is, but lately my emotional state has been just about as consistent as the Texas weather in the same amount of time (for the record: including torrential downpours, freezes, fires, ridiculous winds, and a few perfect days).

The weirdest thing about it all is that I can't seem to figure out a cause and effect relationship in my crazy emotions. I wonder if it's stress. I know my last post was just talking about how I felt like I was finally getting a handle on life, but I suppose if I'm honest with myself, I'm realizing that I still have a ways to go. I feel like I'm being pulled in so many directions, and my life seems to be constantly at odds with itself. At the crux of the issue is the fact that EVERYTHING in my life seems to want to be my number one priority. I've always been bad at prioritizing anyway, but I've never been more conflicted with everything I'm doing. I think I used to be able to do everything, because I didn't have such conflicts.

And so, I'm realizing that it's impossible for me to do it all--at least, until I figure out how to exist simultaneously in more than one location. The sad thing is that I don't want to give up any of it. If I didn't want to do things, maybe I would have an easier time saying 'no.'

Nevertheless, I feel sad for people who have been around me in the past little while. I've felt quite unstable and out of sorts. Sometimes I cry unnecessarily, or am short with people for no good reason, or feel really happy, or feel like a complete failure at everything . . . and it's frustrating because I'm at least sensible enough to recognize that I'm off the charts, but somehow still not sensible enough to make sense of myself. I can say, "Self, you're acting CRAZY!" but I have no idea what may have brought said craziness about or how I could possibly make it stop.

All that said, I've got to say that I feel much better about things now that I've cleaned my room. There's something incredibly therapeutic about transforming a room from a state of chaos into a state of order. If only it were so simple.

Sundries.

Well, it's been a while since my last post. I've been busy, trying to stay on top of everything and still find time for the people who are important to me. I think I'm finally figuring out--as a matter of necessity--how to balance things. Of course, that's not to say that I've got it down 100% . . . but I'm learning and getting better every day.

It's hard to try and be everything for everyone, and there are times when you just want to ignore it all and take a nap. Something that I think will be harder to figure out is how to do everything I'm supposed to while still maintaining sanity and without losing myself in the process. It's proving more difficult than merely being able to stay afloat.

Still, life is good. I really feel like moving back to Texas has been a huge blessing to me in so many ways. I definitely feel like a more "complete" person, and more like myself.

I don't know what to say about anything else. Sometimes I feel like I'm going absolutely crazy, which may be true, but I'm very fortunate to have a wonderful network of people who care about me and don't let me forget that, no matter how distressed I may be. I've been thinking a lot about stuff, and feeling more and more comfortable with my future. I may be a competent human being after all.

Being sick sucks.

So I've spent the last two days quarantined in my house, with my main activities being (1) sleeping, and (2) juice-drinking. I felt pretty excited to venture back out into my school routine today, even though I'm still on 85% here . . .

My excitement was completely obliterated by the fact that my prof was extra-snippy today. I wanted to just say, "LOOK, I DID YOUR STUPID ASSIGNMENT LYING IN BED SICK, I CAME TO SCHOOL TODAY EVEN THOUGH I STILL FEEL LIKE CRAP! GET OFF MY BACK!" She was just being very unlikeable today. I'll give her that maybe I'm just a little hyper-sensitive due to the fact that I'm not feeling well, as well as the fact that I've had such limited human contact in the past few days . . . nevertheless, it really did not make me happy that I made the extreme effort to get out of my sick-bed, shower, dress, and make it to my class on time.

Nevertheless, I'm still feeling loads better than I was before. My fever and chills have subsided, I once again actually have a desire to eat food (on a side note, while I was sick, I lost a coupla pounds), and while I still feel like my head is underwater, I can breathe somewhat, my sore throat is gone, and I feel ALMOST normal.

Maybe if I take it easy for a couple more days, I'll be all better by the end of the week. I certainly hope so.

Life Cycles

Years ago, as a freshman in college, I was very much disturbed by the fact that my friends and colleagues were getting married. Bearing in mind that I went to a very conservative religious institution, there were many nineteen year-old brides. I could hardly fathom that. Now that I've finished my undergraduate degree and am in graduate school, the years have passed and now announcements of engagement hardly faze me. It's not even a novelty anymore that people are going ring shopping or picking the perfect dress or sending out announcements . . . it all gets a big sigh from me (although, certainly in some cases I am very excited).

The thing that has begun to happen now is that my friends--the ones that have been getting married for the past few years--are now starting to pop out children. I heard of a woman of 26 who already had five children! But really, it's kind of freaking me out a little bit. I guess it shouldn't be such a shock to me. After all, that's generally the way little nuclear families are born. Still, to think that people that I went to elementary school and Sunday school with are now having BABIES is strange to me.

Life is funny that way. Right now, in my living room there are two family portraits handsomely juxtaposed. It is my mother's side of the family: one portrait, ca. 1985; the other, New Year's Eve 2007. It's interesting to see how everyone has grown and changed over the past two decades. Not one of us is in the same place as we were 20 years ago--progress is evident. Some of us didn't even exist then (my cousin, Scott)! And now I look at the picture of my three-ish year-old brother, grinning vigorously next to the picture of the same kid--only, now he's a man--and his new wife, and think . . . life goes on. Growing, changing, living, dying . . . life goes on. Ob-lah-di, Ob-lah-dah.

On Sucking at Life

In the beginning of a new year (and a new semester starting tomorrow), I suppose it's a natural thing to think of ways to improve one's existence. How can I be more efficient? more studious? more productive? more responsible? How am I going to be a better person than I was last semester?


This, for me, is a weighty question. There are a hundred million ways I could be a better person, I just don't feel like I can do them all at once. I'm overwhelmed by the discrepancy between the woman I am and the woman I would like to be.

It's a blessing and a curse that I can acknowledge the many ways in which I could improve. After all, it means that in due time, I may master these tasks and be able to move onto whatever new crop of shortcomings comes up. At the same time, the fact that I can't automatically just be better at these things adds frustration--the fact that I am aware of so many shortcomings but can only concentrate on a few at a time means that those that have been recognized but remain unaddressed just exist to mock me. ("Yes, I can see you; I know you're there. I'll deal with you later.")

So how do you prioritize?

I guess, in the end, the goal is just to have a balanced, productive life--much harder than it sounds. Right now I know I'm all out of whack, but I suppose that once I find the right proportions of the different aspects of my life, I will know how to adjust things on a day-to-day basis as priorities shift. I heard a wise man cited as saying that there is no such thing as a balanced life: that at any given moment, life is out of balance. The task, then, is to assure that over an extended period of time, things are not being omitted or overemphasized. I think that makes a good deal of sense.

Maybe it's not such an overwhelming task, then. It'll just take some experimentation to find out the perfect recipe.

Reflections and Projections

Sometimes, you look at your life and wonder: "How on earth did I get to where I am?"

Now would be one of those times for me.

It was interesting, at the end of 2007, to recall where I had been at the end of 2006. I would say that was a low point in my life. I had just failed my pre-recital hearing for my senior recital, I was having a really hard time with my private teacher, I was generally feeling awful about myself (even more than I usually do), and I had no idea what the future would look like for me. I didn't know if I wanted to go to graduate school or take a year off to work or what--I was completely overwhelmed and unhappy with pretty much everything in my life.

A year later, the end of 2007 had found me back in D-town, in the Master's program with a professor whom I love, feeling better about myself and my work than I have in a long time, and not least of all in a wonderful relationship with the boy that I could never imagine but always dreamed of.

It fascinates me that so much has turned around for me in a year. So, I look to 2008 with excitement. I again have no idea where this year will take me. There are a lot of possibilities, opportunities, blessings, challenges, trials, joys, sorrows, surprises . . . I guess the funny thing about life is that, for all our attempts at planning everything out so carefully, you can never really predict what happens.

Welcome to 2008

It's still hard to believe that it's a new year. I spent the holidays in Honolulu with my mom's family, which was delightful (although, I could think of one thing that would have greatly improved the trip . . . and I saw him yesterday).

My grandparents are pretty awesome people. They've slowed down a lot since the last time I saw them, but they are still kickin'. For some reason, although this has been the first time that we stayed at their house without them having been there (they've moved to an assisted living home), I feel as though I bonded more thoroughly with them this time around. They're very sweet, and I love to see that they still love each other. It was so sweet to see my grandpa shuffling around saying, "Where's my girl??" or to see them holding hands . . . I want that someday.

I don't want it to be the start of the new semester just yet. I suppose it's not so bad. I do enjoy immensely the extra time I get with The Boy during vacation, but it's okay that life isn't all fun and games. It just makes these times all the more precious.

Actually, that's something that's been playing on my mind a lot lately. Part of it may be that I just read Tuesdays with Morrie, which discusses this pretty heavily, but part of it, too, was simply being in beautiful Hawaii and enjoying being alive. You can't help but feel alive as the sea breeze caresses your face, as you hear the sound of the surf, as you listen to the sounds of the birds and smell the plumeria . . . as you surround yourself with family. That is what it means to be alive.

So I'm blessed, and I'm grateful to be alive.