This week has not been a good one for me. In fact, I have been pretty miserable the whole time. I feel like I have not done a single thing right all week. I am like Midas, only backwards: everything I touch turns to [expletive deleted]. I feel disconnected from everyone and everything that is important to me. I feel lonely. I feel like a dismal failure who will never amount to anything because I cannot figure out how to progress and overcome the weaknesses that I have already diagnosed and treated. It frustrates me to no end that I can't just learn the lesson and move on.
It occurred to me today that this lack of progress is a function of pride. I suppose all along that has been the missing link: humility. After all, why would I bother trying to make improvements upon a lesson I've "already learned?" Alas, I haven't ever really learned anything, and that's why I'm still here, wiggling around with the other worms, not living up to my potential.
I hate it. I hate it so much that I just want to shake myself and say, "Enough already! Let's get on with it!" Unfortunately, it's not that easy. I have a lot of stuff I need to work through. I feel completely overburdened right now, and the fact of the matter is that I have no one on earth that I can blame for my burdens other than myself--this, in turn, leads to more guilt and more weight on my load. Since everything has been sub-par this week, it all stands as a testament to how I cannot do anything right, and I am reassured of my destiny as a colossal failure.
In reality, I know that the things that have been going wrong this week are actually pretty small things in the grand scheme. I suppose that's not the point. It's a mental and emotional thing. I have spent this week convincing myself that I am a failure, and these little things were just evidence supporting my case. This is (and, I fear, will continue to be) a recurring theme in my life. I go through these phases where everything in my sight is colored by the lens of self-deprecation, and life seems to spiral downward from there. Irrational as I know it is, that haunting little voice inside of me is always the first one there to let me know when I've messed up, and to help me assess the damage to my worth. And irrational as I know it is, I almost always believe that little voice.
Again, let me be clear about a few things: I know I don't exactly have a hard life. I have a wonderful, supportive family and a dear, loving fiance who are rooting for me and are there for me. I know that God loves me and has a plan for me, and His plan is bigger than my character flaws. I have been so blessed that I can't even begin to list; I know I have a lot to be grateful for. However, none of this diminishes the fact that I am not where I need to be--nor that I don't even know where that is.
I don't believe that I have ever, in my LIFE, lived up to my potential. I came closest when I was very young, but even then I was limited in my view. I had high standards for myself and my own performance, but those standards were defined by my environment and not by my own ability. I never really tried to be my best, only enough to be better than anybody else (if it was something I was really good at), or to fall somewhere comfortably in the middle of the pack (if it was something I was not so good at). I've been aware of this fact for a while, so I wonder why I don't try to do something about it. Something is holding me back, something that is really crippling me. Or am I crippling myself?
It's a long way down to rock bottom, but there's also an intimidatingly large gap between my current position and the top. And after all these years of trying, I have no idea how to climb . . .
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2 comments:
Hey Rachel,
I totally understand what you are going through. I have felt the same way pretty much my whole life. Things sometimes seem wretched, and you feel like the worst person in the world. I've been feeling that way lately, too--and all the little things I do wrong just feel like extra needles under my fingernails. But I think they are representative of a larger sadness that is difficult to put my finger on. But I think it has to do with our understanding and perspective of Heavenly Father's love for us. Did you hear President Uchtdorf's Womens' conference talk? I basically cried through the whole thing. Because regardless of where we are mentally, emotionally, or physically, or what percentage of our perceived "potential" we have attained, we can create something beautiful in our lives in whatever space is available to us at the time. You are amazing Rachel, and despite how you feel, you have done a mighty good job. Know that you are loved and missed around here--all of us HFACers talk about how much we miss you all the TIME. These feelings will pass. I love you!!!
Rachel, you poor thing!! I know how you feel! I would give you chocolate if I could!! Please don't be too hard on yourself. You are truly a beautiful and wonderful person, one that I have always admired and looked up to, and I think you don't give yourself enough credit for all the good things you do. Say your prayers and get snuggled in to bed. Things will look better in the morning. Hang in there, and know that LOTS of people in Provo LOVE YOU!!!!
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