So far, this semester ROCKS.

Maybe I'm just in my honeymoon phase with UNT, but I'm loving it so far. A lot.

I won the spot in the UNT Baroque Orchestra, which I am really kind of giddy to begin. I get to take Baroque cello lessons! They have a ton of period instruments, and I'm just thrilled to be a part of it. It's kind of hard to believe. I didn't think they'd audition me at all, so I hadn't prepared anything to play. I found out last night that there were too many cellists vying for the same one spot, so I'd be auditioning the next day (i.e., today). So, I dusted off the first two movements of the ol' Bach Gamba Sonata (I haven't touched it since March 24) this morning and played the audish this afternoon. And now . . . I get to learn how to play the Baroque cello! I'm excited. And amused. Our rehearsals start at 4:15--I think that's really funny. Get it? Baroque Orchestra? 415?

Another amazing thing is that Edgar Meyer is coming to play with the UNT Symphony Orchestra in October. I have long idolized Edgar Meyer--I think he's one of the most talented people in music today. We're playing with him the Bottesini Concerto No. 2 and his own bass concerto. Let's just say that the very thought of being in the same room as him gets me really excited. Add to that we are playing WITH him, and playing HIS work. I just hope I can watch him from wherever it is that I'm sitting (which, by the way, I will find out tomorrow).

Seriously, I'm really excited about this year.

BYU vs. UNT

Now that I'm officially oriented in the UNT College of Music, I'd like to note a few differences between my two schools.

1. Practice Rooms
BYU: 25? on one floor of the music building. scheduled, but flexibly so. free. unlocked during building hours (6am-11pm).
UNT: 300. in two buildings containing only practice rooms. keyed doors. rented for $80 for the year. unlocked during building hours (till 11:30 on weeknights, 2:30am on weekends).

2. Personnel
BYU: Mostly Caucasian. A peppering of minorities and international students. Clean-cut, modest, sparkly.
UNT: Maybe 50% Caucasians from the States, the rest minority and / or international students. Smelly, hairy, and smokers.

3. Organization
BYU: a fairly well-oiled machine: Mormons are used to managing large groups of people.
UNT: surprisingly disorganized: one would think that they would have figured out the most efficient way to do some of these things.

Well, that's all I've got so far. It's interesting. I miss my Provo-friends.

"My loneliness is killing me . . . "

I never thought I'd miss Provo so much. Of course, it's not Provo that I miss at all, really. I miss the people in Provo who love me. I feel completely alone here in Texas.

The thought has recently occurred to me that I really don't feel like anyone knows me. I know for a fact that it happens to be my fault that this is the case. I'm an incredibly guarded person. People terrify me. I can't imagine laying my whole person on a table and allowing someone else to see everything there is to see inside of me. I know that's why I really DON'T have anyone every close to me. I just don't know how to change.

I guess this isn't the first time I've thought about how closed I am. It's just hitting me again, now that I don't even have anyone remotely close to me. I can't think of a person here that I would feel comfortable telling even stupid stuff--about my crushes, or being scared about UNT or whatever. At least at the Y I had roommates to talk to. While I love my parents, I get the feeling that they don't really want to listen to me a lot of the time. I mean, they're real grown-ups, and they're in a completely different stage of life than I am, so I think it's just hard for them to relate to me.

Thinking about it now, I'm wondering if perhaps that is why I am holding onto my extra pounds. Being overweight is my buffer--it ensures that no one tries to get too close to me. I can hide behind my weight, so when anyone talks to me, they're not really seeing ME. Likewise, if I get rejected, I can blame it on the weight. And I do, often! I always say things to myself like, "Maybe he'd like me if I were thin!" Maybe it's not the fact that I'm fat that steers people away from me--maybe it's the Fat Mentality. I wonder, if I could somehow stop making excuses for myself and own up to what I am, if that would change my relationships with people.

I want to be done. I want to stop thinking about my body so much. I want to go try on clothes without ending up completely depressed. I want to have no excuses to make for myself--I want to love myself so that others can love me. I want to stop being scared and I want to give everyone permission to get inside of me. I want to be a normal, functioning human being for once in my life.

Trepidation . . .

So, I'm starting to get really scared about UNT. I know exactly what's going to happen: I'm going to get there and get played into the floor by EVERYONE. I, as a graduate student, will be the weakest player there, and everyone will say, "How the hell did she get into this school?!" And then they will say it's because I studied with Osadchy before, or because my dad works at the school, or for some other reason . . .

Do I have what it takes to be great, or even good? I've never really learned to work hard. All that I've done to this point in my life I have coasted through. I wonder what would happen if I gave something--anything--110% effort. Usually I feel pretty good about myself if I do about 80%. I guess I need to experience a mighty change of heart.

I know that I'll be behind lots of people. I guess this is my opportunity to catch up. To learn what I haven't yet learned. To perfect my technique and to be a great cellist. I think I could be great. I certainly don't have the chops right now, but what I do have is the heart. That's what makes me special as a musician. If only I had the pristine technique to support that heart, then I could really play with the big boys.

My constant fear in life is that, in whatever aspect, I will not be good enough. I am foolishly in constant search of evidence to support my fear, and right now it's pretty well emphasized. I have few friends, and none of them terribly close. I am preparing to begin the adventure of graduate school, where I'm certain I will land in every remedial class they offer. I haven't been on one date all summer. I want to lose weight and--for once in my life--get to a place where I feel good about my body, but I can't seem to do it.

Maybe all of these things are related. Maybe it's not the fact that all these things are happening that make me fear that I'm not good enough--perhaps instead it is the fact that I'm doubtful of my own self-worth that creates these situations. In any case, I want to like myself. I can hardly remember a time when I have.

To allot time for S&H . . .

Since my birthday falls in a month, I thought I would post my birthday wish list now so that the mass orders to Amazon.com and other major retailers doesn't crash their system. Thoughtful of me, I know. I'm a giver.

I'm including generals and specifics, so if you're like me and you have no clue what to get people, you can do that. If, on the other hand, you're one of those who prefers just general guidelines and gets pleasure out of choosing the perfect gift, then go to it!

DVDs:
Season 1 of the Adventures of Pete & Pete, any season but the first of King of the Hill, Stranger than Fiction, March of the Penguins, the Lizzie McGuire movie, Pay it Forward, Nacho Libre, or anything else that makes me laugh, cry, and / or fall in love.

Music:
Anything by Ella Fitzgerald, Miles Davis, Wynton Marsalis, the Turtle Island String Quartet, Django Reinhardt, Diana Krall, Mischa Maisky, Bjork, Bela Fleck (and the Flecktones) . . .
choral music based on liturgical texts . . .
OR your favorite music, whatever that may be.

Books:
Things that make you think about your life.

Stationary:
Anything cute that makes me want to write lots of letters. This includes stickers, and stamps.

Jewelry:
Earrings. For sensitive ears.

Love letters:
Handwritten & (somewhat) sincere.

Hugs:
Any variety, except the dreaded side-hug.

A boyfriend:
Tall and handsome.

"So . . . are you dating anyone?"

After having graduated from BYU withOUT my MRS. degree, that seems to be a fairly common question. I know people are well-meaning, and they just want to know what's going on in my life, but for myself (and many others like me), questions like that cause great discomfort and other such bad feelings.

Truth be known, I can probably count on two hands the number of dates that I was pleasured to go on in my BYU career. Now, as Provo seems to be the marriage capitol of the world, one might wonder how that could be. I have often lost sleep over the matter myself (a fact that I am not proud of, but it's the truth nonetheless).

Now, I am trying to avoid writing from the bitter perspective one might expect of a woman in my situation. Rather, I am going to attempt as much objectivity as possible, exploring things from all points of view.

Considering the unusual homogeneity of the BYU population, it seems natural that one would, of necessity, create delineations to distinguish segments of the populace one from another. Now, as far as the BYU populace compares to those of other universities, I would argue that BYU's student body is largely quite "eligible." It is composed mostly of intelligent, hard-working, spiritual, kind, service-oriented, and unusually good-looking students. For most BYU students, the above listed qualities are necessities in a potential partner, not simply bonus points. And so, whereas at any other university those criteria might severely limit one's dating pool, at BYU they hardly weed anyone out.

So, how do you decide who to like? It seems that most BYU students place everyone around them on a continuum. At one end of the spectrum you have those people who are "more" the qualities listed than others, and at the opposite end are those who are "less" so. Being that most everyone has much of the same background and so forth (I say that carefully, knowing that it will offend some who proclaim that they are different from everyone else. I realize that everyone is still different, but I am saying that BYU students are much more like one another than most other student populations), many people are attracted to the same types of people. Because of that fact, there is usually a rather small population that is fairly universally recognized as "above average" (keeping in mind, of course, that BYU's average is very highly skewed from the general average).

So, in every ward (or class or major or club or whatever), there are a handful of individuals who are the top picks from that organization. These are the individuals who are exceptional in one aspect or another: either they are incredibly sweet, or incredibly good-looking, or incredibly charismatic. Now, the other 95% of the population of the group will fall in love with those few. So, 5% of the population experiences great interest from the opposite sex. The rest of us are left to compete with the rest of the world, and will inevitably lose out to the top 5 percentile.

Of course, this only stands to explain why so many people don't date. In the girls' cases, the guys are too busy clamoring for the attention of a Top 5% Girl to pay any mind to the rest of us. In the guys' cases, I've often heard of their being rejected simply because the Top 5% Girl is simply "not interested" in him, since she has so many offers for dates that it becomes necessary for her to prescreen her candidates. Thus, they get hurt and are less likely to go out on a limb for the next girl. It's a vicious cycle.

As to long-term relationships, I must admit to being completely clueless as to how these things develop. From observation, I suppose it generally comes from a series of dates which eventually lead to exclusivity, but I always get stuck at the "series of dates" part. It perplexes me the way that people decide they want to be in a relationship. I suppose, never having been put in such a position, that a great deal of the mystery I sense in these matters would be relieved if I were ever to experience them first hand. Still, though, I find myself scratching my head on these things. Never mind proposals and marriages and all of that nonsense!

All in all, I feel like most people's romantic frustrations are rooted in the fact that we are crossing too many wires. We are interested in those who are not interested in us, just as we are not interested in those who are interested in us. I suppose the magic happens when two people are mutually interested in one another, and can then proceed to develop a beautiful relationship from the simple fact that each enjoys the other's company.

I have no idea why we must make it so complicated.

Crazy Hours

So, my last paycheck was pretty pathetic. In fact, it was the smallest paycheck I've received yet, even including my paid training, when my pay was 60% what it is now. I worked ONE day during the last pay period, which definitely reflected itself on my measley little check. I do believe that I wanted a job so that I could get paid to work. Isn't that usually what goes on?

However, in the most recent pay period, I have worked every day but one, usually for a pretty sizeable day. Next check should be better.

I'm just glad I'm not depending on this income to feed a family like many of my colleagues. Basically, I'm just working for gas money and extra money, not for groceries or rent or the electric bill . . .

I appreciate that this work is such that it is unpredictable, and that one can never really be sure of getting work. Still, it seems to me that the disparity between my lowest paycheck and my highest (which amounts to a little over $200) is QUITE A RANGE. I mean, really.

The other problem is that because this work is so sporadic, and because I never know even 24 hours in advance if I'm working the following day, it doesn't allow for me to, say, get another job, in order to guarantee that I can at least have a decent source of income. No, I am at the whim of this company, who can apparently use or not use my services as they please. For although I certainly have had enough time not working to hold down another job, there is no way I could plan on that. Boohoo.

Still, I guess I'm just lucky that I'm not depending on this to put food on my table. Any money is good money, right?

The Way to a (wo)Man's Heart . . .

. . . is through her stomach. And watching "Ratatouille" has made me think about my favorite foods. So, here is a list of my all-time favorite fare, in no particular order:

* hummus--I love hummus.
* mango sticky rice
* a good, ripe, juicy peach
* crisp-tender steamed broccoli
* chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream--I have several favorite flavors of ice cream, but this is the king of them all
* Fuji apples
* bananas
* Honey-Nut Cheerios--with 2% milk
* miso soup
* edamame--steamed, salted soybeans in their pods
* agedashi tofu
* Masaman curry (with tofu)
* tomato-basil soup
* grilled cheese sandwich
* pb&j--especially on an English muffin
* Reese's Peanut Butter Cup
* watermelon--but it has to be REALLY good
* biscuits
* baby carrots
* yogurt-granola parfait
* cheesecake

mmmmm . . .

This is what happens when you watch a movie about food after you've started fasting . . .