The Winter That Wouldn't Die.

I'm really cold. I'm wearing the Sea Rose Heather from tour, and I'm still cold. It's MAY, I shouldn't have to be layering still. I should be laying poolside or tossing a frisbee in shorts and a t-shirt or drinking slurpees. It'll be nice to go outside not wondering whether I will need short sleeves or a jacket. I hate Utah.

Will I miss it here? Probably. Not so much the place, but the people here. As we were watching the Chamber Tour DVD last night, I started to get really sad, thinking of myself watching the DVD in Texas in a year or so. Alone, thinking, "Oh! I miss so-and-so!" with each person who enters a shot. It made me really sad.

Even so, I'm definitely ready for the change of pace. The populace here is most interesting in its homogeneity--I found out at graduation that 87% of last year's graduating class (from the College of Fine Arts and Communications) was Caucasian. Ninety-some percent are LDS. It's an interesting thing. I don't really WANT to be mixed in too thoroughly with ANY population. I would rather maintain my own identity than be numbered in a crowd. Interesting that while being LDS here makes me "the rule," back home, I would be the "exception." Maybe that's why I'm so ready to leave. I want to be special and different again.

Trying to find work is always a pain. Especially when I'm looking for work 1200 miles away from my current location. I guess it's all part of moving on.

On an unrelated topic, I have determined that I am, as far as my guy friends are concerned, "one of the guys." I don't know how I feel about that. I'm a bit miffed that they don't seem to think of me as a woman at all. After all, I am very clearly a woman. But I fall in the "just friends" category, meaning that I'm just not attractive enough (or whatever enough) for them to ever consider pursuing a relationship with me. Which, I suppose, is just fine. I am someone (like just about anybody else, really) who needs friendship, not limited to same-sex friends or potential romances. I like the feeling of being a girl amongst boys--but I suppose that's the very problem. When I am with these guy friends, I feel like a BOY amongst boys. Or at least, that's how I feel they see me. "Oh, it's just Rachel," they say. I guess I feel less sad that they're not overcome with desire when I enter the room than the fact that they're ignoring a very base part of my identity. Dammit, I'm a woman! Hear me roar and all that nonsense.

I admit that I'm not the most ribbon-and-lace kind of girl that ever existed, but I'm still a girl. I've got plenty enough estrogen coursing through my system, and plenty enough woman-curves for that to be completely apparent.

Maybe it's a sort of cycle. I've got quite a good little bouquet of pretty close guy-friends, and I know that none of them are interested in me romantically (for one reason or another). So, I don't feel a particular need to employ my feminine wiles in their presence--it would be a waste of energy. Thus, they will continue to see me as one of the guys--only better! I'm not a threat.

I think I'm worrying too much about this. I only really have to worry about being a woman to one man. And he'll definitely see me as a woman (in more ways than one?).