The Law of the Garage Door

There is a strange phenomenon in my life, which I have come to call the Law of the Garage Door.

When the Garage Door is wide open, you don't think, "Hey, I'd better get the rake out of there, in case I need it." If the Door is open, you figure you have all the time in the world to get the rake if you want it. What's the hurry? The rake's not going anywhere.

The moment that the Garage Door begins to close, though, the rake becomes a matter of urgency. You may not even want the rake right then, but there is that gnawing possibility that maybe SOMEDAY you'll need it, and if that Garage Door closes with the rake still inside, you're S.O.L. ("so out of luck," as Ms. Ellis would say).

This happens all the time in dating. That's why when a sister missionary puts in her papers, all of the sudden the boys are clamoring for dates. The Door is closing.

In my life, it happens right before I am about to leave a place. I can spend four years of near-datelessness--the Door is wide open. The moment the Door shows signs of closing . . .

Maybe it's not the possibility of wanting the rake at all. Maybe it's the fact that if the Door is closing and they try really hard to get the rake, but don't quite make it under before it shuts, they don't have to feel like the rake didn't want to go with them. They can just say, "Yeah, too bad that Door shut."

If it doesn't work out between me and him or him or him or him, we can all say, "What lousy timing! Sucks." No one has to feel bad about themselves. It's the ultimate solution for someone who is afraid of commitment. We can follow the social scripts without the expectation of a Relationship, since I'm leaving in a couple of weeks. Brilliant.

By the way, I'm looking for a summer fling. If you're interested, apply within.