. . . that I could figure out once and for all how to like myself. I don't know why I have to always be swinging so rapidly from high to low self-esteem.
Why can't I let someone else be smart (or kind, or thoughtful, or hard-working, or beautiful, or a wonderful musician, or charming, or witty . . . ) without undermining my own positive qualities? Why, when I look at someone who is all of those things, do I say to myself, "You'll never be that," rather than "It's great that he / she is that way" or "What can I learn from him / her?" Why do I love others so much more than I like myself? Why do I see the good in others and only the faults in myself? And why do I compare the best I see in others with the worst I find in myself?
I know that if I'm feeling this way, it's because I'm looking for evidence to support the fact that I'm a sub-par human being--and whatever I'm looking for, I will find. I could easily catalog a hundred reasons that give me reason to believe I'm shy of the mark. It would take more thinking to find as many reasons to support the idea that I'm worthwhile.
My internal dialogue is so intense that I imagine other people talking to me or talking about me. I imagine my friends getting together and saying things like "She would be pretty if she would just lose weight" or "She could be a pretty good student if she weren't such a slacker" (that is, the things that I tell myself all the time)--as if my friends have nothing better to do than sit around and talk about all my Achilles Heels.
It's a hard balance to strike. There are definitely things about myself that I would love to change, but at the same time, I need to like who I am right now rather than making my self-esteem contingent upon changes that may or may not actually occur. Some theorize that you can't change until you make peace with where you are. I wonder if that's true.
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