My Own Understanding

Sometimes I feel like I only understand about 40% of what is said to me. It's not that I just can't grasp on to what people are telling me, it's that their frame of understanding is completely different from my own, and as such there's a certain amount of "translation" of sorts that has to take place. A person may feel as though they have been utterly explicit, clear, and lucid in their communication, and it may be understood as just that to the others involved--and still there can be this gap between what is meant by the speaker and what is understood by the listener. I say something and you say, "Ah, yes, I understand," (and you truly feel as though you do), but what you "understand" is different than what I was trying to say.

And that's what happens when we are being straightforward in our communication. Add an element of crypticism to that (or mystery--call it what you like), and reduce levels of understanding by at least 20%. (Put me on the phone with someone, and my comprehension falls to about 8%, but that's another issue.)

The problem is that we try to turn everyone around us into a version of ourselves. When we say, "She is acting that way because she wants attention," we are really saying, "If I were acting as she is, it would be because I wanted attention." We don't really know, though. And we always try to figure other people out. We try to ascribe motives to their actions or inactions. It's the best we can do, to try and understand others through our own perceptions.

In The Four Agreements, by don Miguel Ruiz (one of my new favorite books), the author cites one of the agreements as being that we should never make assumptions. I'm beginning to understand why. To assume something is to project on someone else your own beliefs, intentioins, life experiences, etc. The truth is that we have absolutely no way of knowing exactly why a person acts as they do, even if they tell us explicitly. What's really going on inside their brain, their heart?

That's where trust comes into play. I suppose when you learn enough about a person, and they tell you something, you can take them at their word. They say, "I love you," and you say, "I love you too," not "you're just making that up."

I'm trying really hard to not make assumptions, but it's a huge temptation. I want to make sense of life, of other people, of all my relationships. Sometimes, taking it at face value just leaves me confused and wanting more conclusion. I'm getting better. It's hard.