I Wish . . .

. . . that I could figure out once and for all how to like myself. I don't know why I have to always be swinging so rapidly from high to low self-esteem.

Why can't I let someone else be smart (or kind, or thoughtful, or hard-working, or beautiful, or a wonderful musician, or charming, or witty . . . ) without undermining my own positive qualities? Why, when I look at someone who is all of those things, do I say to myself, "You'll never be that," rather than "It's great that he / she is that way" or "What can I learn from him / her?" Why do I love others so much more than I like myself? Why do I see the good in others and only the faults in myself? And why do I compare the best I see in others with the worst I find in myself?

I know that if I'm feeling this way, it's because I'm looking for evidence to support the fact that I'm a sub-par human being--and whatever I'm looking for, I will find. I could easily catalog a hundred reasons that give me reason to believe I'm shy of the mark. It would take more thinking to find as many reasons to support the idea that I'm worthwhile.

My internal dialogue is so intense that I imagine other people talking to me or talking about me. I imagine my friends getting together and saying things like "She would be pretty if she would just lose weight" or "She could be a pretty good student if she weren't such a slacker" (that is, the things that I tell myself all the time)--as if my friends have nothing better to do than sit around and talk about all my Achilles Heels.

It's a hard balance to strike. There are definitely things about myself that I would love to change, but at the same time, I need to like who I am right now rather than making my self-esteem contingent upon changes that may or may not actually occur. Some theorize that you can't change until you make peace with where you are. I wonder if that's true.

Life After Recital

Well, it's over. I survived. It was far, far from perfect, but I suppose I would still put it in the category of "success." And anyway, it's over now.

It was really lovely to have my parents here. They help me out so much, and I love them. It was great to play with my daddy again--it's been quite some time since we've collaborated. It was a little strange to see them walking the halls of the 2nd floor of the HFAC, but it was amusing in a strange sort of way to see my parents in the same place as all my friends.

I am so grateful to have all of these wonderful people in my life. My parents are great--anybody who met them can no doubt attest to that. It was such a pleasant surprise to see my (white) cousins and their grandparents (and no, they're not also my grandparents--stop trying to be so cheeky!) there. And I was overwhelmed by love when I walked into my living room to see so many people that I care so deeply about. I must be the luckiest girl in the world to have so many great friends. Dadnmom were really impressed by everyone, and it made me realize that I probably take it all for granted.

Really, though, it gave me pause to reflect on these wonderful friendships I've developed while here at BYU. To say that I am going to miss everyone next year would be a gross understatement. What am I going to do? I'm leaving so many of my very favorite people in the world in making the 1200 mile trek back to Texas--will I be able to make it without them? Olivier Messiaen said that human love is a pale reflection of the only true love: Divine Love. I believed that last night, when I felt so much love for and from everyone. God loves me too.

I don't know why so many of the greatest people in the world tolerate my company, but I'm so glad they do. I hope I can someday be the kind of person that you all are.

Left Out

Sometimes, I feel like life is happening all around me, and my participation therein is limited to being excited for things that happen to the people who are near and dear to me. And don't get me wrong--that's fun, but sometimes I wonder when my own day will come.

Jeanettie is engaged. Charity is engaged. (More on this later.) Brennie is going on a mission in a week and a half. Becky gets BACK from her mission in a little more than a month. It's springtime, and people are falling in love. I don't even feel like I have any viable prospects these days. There are a handful (well, a very small handful) of guys that I'm interested in, but it doesn't seem that they reciprocate, so I don't know. Plus, I'm out of here in a month. I guess graduation falls into the category of "major life milestones," but it still seems kind of boring when juxtaposed with love and romance and springtime. Sigh.

So, Jeanette and Charity are two of my three favorite people that I have met in my time here at BYU. They are diametrically different people--and somehow, I am exactly like both of them. In every way that I am unlike one of them, I am like the other. It's eerie. In any case, these two favorite friends of mine are both getting married this summer. In August. On the 25th. 1350 miles away from one another. Sound like a dilemma to anyone else? I don't want to choose. Blah. It will all work out somehow, right? RIGHT?!

I got cat-called and leered at yesterday as I was walking home with my cello. Maybe some women find that degrading, but I actually am encouraged by it. Sure, it objectifies me. Sure, it reduces me to a bunch of body parts. Nonetheless, it makes me feel good about myself. You see, I always wonder if I'm physically attractive, if a man would ever want to be with me. That's the part that I worry about. I think that I'm a pretty good person on the INSIDE, and my beliefs are reinforced by those around me. Usually, though, the only people who tell me I'm pretty are other girls, or men over the age of 50. It's nice to feel desired by someone of the opposite sex who is a member of my same demographic.

Where's the Light?

I'm beginning to feel like the light at the end of the tunnel has burned out, and that it will be quite a while before someone gets around to replacing it. Usually, my life goes in cycles, and everything will be gross for a week (or even a few days within a week), but then it will subside and the tide will roll out again. It helps me to be optimistic, because I can tell myself, "Okay, all I have to do is make it through next week, and then I'll be home free."

So, all I have to do right now is make it through this next week (an eight-page paper that's already quite overdue, two concerts, a test for which I haven't even begun studying, probably two lessons, a masterclass performance, and several rehearsals for things that I really don't have time to do), and the week after that (Chamber orchestra concert, another masterclass performance, cello studio midterm, family coming into town, playing for one of those things I don't have time for, freaking SENIOR RECITAL) . . .

and honestly, I have no idea what happens after that. Right now my life is very segmented. I think of it in terms of this:

Before Recital.
After Recital.

If it's After Recital, that means that I don't think about it right now at all. So I am not. Right now, my life ends on March 24.

Why I Clean

You know how sometimes you feel like everything around you is in a state of complete disarray? There is too much to do and never enough time in which to do it. Relationships are murky, responsibilities are overwhelming, your senior recital is in two and a half weeks, and you still don't have a lightbulb in your room. And you come home after a long day, and all you want is a piece of toast--but then you realize that impeding your pathway to the toaster is a mountain of dishes upon which is found enough food particles to make a small meal.

So, you put on the rubber gloves and fill the sink with hot water, rinsing off the little bits of broccoli, tuna, tomato sauce, cheese, spaghetti, etc. as though they were, in actuality, representative of all the distressing bits of your current state of being. You watch it all go down the drain, fairly certain that eventually, it will result in a clog--but for now, all is well.

I always feel like I'm making a contribution to my community when I clean, too, which is probably why I do it a lot when I'm feeling low. I can easily see a positive change in my environment brought about by no one but myself, and that is fulfilling in a small sort of way. I may not enact meaningful changes in the lives of those around me, but at least my little changes are for the better. It's comforting to make order out of chaos, even if one is only doing so by turning a countertop full of dirty dishes into a drying rack full of clean ones.

I wish it could translate so easily into real life, though.

All Hail the Mighty State

Texas, our Texas . . . so wonderful, so great.

I feel like the audition went pretty well. There were a few weird spots, but that's to be expected in any audition situation. Nothing fatal, I don't think. Now, we just wait . . .

The more time I spend away from Denton, the better it looks when I get back to it. The prospect of returning more permanently has me excited. I used to think that there was nothing to do in Denton--then I came to Utah. (I suppose, too, that there is much more to do in Little D for a college student than for a high school student.) I never really appreciated the wealth of artistic experiences in Dallas until I came to the artistic desert that is the greater Salt Lake area. I love the downtown Arts District: the Meyerson Symphony Center (WAY better than Abravanel Hall), the Dallas Museum of Art, the Trammel Crowe Museum of Asian Art, the Nasher Sculpture Museum . . . and then there's the live music scene!

All kinds of music. In Denton alone, there are so many live music venues that I can't even list them, from bars to coffee shops to pizza joints to outdoor stages . . . Not to mention UNT's beautiful concert hall. The best part about is that stuff is ALWAYS happening! Chamber music, rock bands . . . and oh! the JAZZ! There are so many more opportunities to be involved in all sorts of things at UNT than here at BYU--they have a full-fledged Early Music ensemble, a jazz stings program, and let's not even start talking about how excited I am at the possibility of studying with a teacher who actually likes me instead of hating me. Good heavens.

It's a bittersweet feeling I have, though. Taking this audition has made me realize that I'm really in the business of moving on. I'm going to be leaving this place (okay, so that's the sweet part), and the people that I am so fortunate to call my friends (bitter). Everyone keeps saying, "No, Rachel, you can't graduate!" and it makes me sad, because I know they may be sad about the idea, and for a few weeks at the beginning of next year, they may say to each other, "I miss Rachel," but then they'll move on, and I'll just be another forgotten friend, so many miles away.

Maybe you'll think of me when I leave. At least nowadays there's facebook.

What a Day

One of those crazy long days, where you flit from one thing to another without a spare moment. Yet, for some reason, I'm in quite a good mood. Maybe it's delerium.

Or maybe it just doesn't take much to make me happy these days. Seeing Chris and later Nate-dawgg in the library today made me really happy. Going out to dinner with a handful of my favorite people also made me really happy. In fact, I'm realizing more and more every day that there are so many people who don't even have to do anything at all to fill me with joy. I just look at them and smile, because I love who they are. And I just want to be around them and touch their forearms or scratch their back or play with their hair or just touch them somehow, and exist in their presence. And that's all I need to feel good.

Seriously though, people are so good to me that it's ridiculous. I like it though, I'm not gonna lie.

I appreciate this odd mood I'm in. I'm exhausted, and it's a big weekend, and there is so much that I should have done that I didn't get a chance to do and "miles to go before I sleep," but I'm still pretty darn content, and just filled with so much love.

I LOVE YOU. Yes, you.