Trepidation . . .

So, I'm starting to get really scared about UNT. I know exactly what's going to happen: I'm going to get there and get played into the floor by EVERYONE. I, as a graduate student, will be the weakest player there, and everyone will say, "How the hell did she get into this school?!" And then they will say it's because I studied with Osadchy before, or because my dad works at the school, or for some other reason . . .

Do I have what it takes to be great, or even good? I've never really learned to work hard. All that I've done to this point in my life I have coasted through. I wonder what would happen if I gave something--anything--110% effort. Usually I feel pretty good about myself if I do about 80%. I guess I need to experience a mighty change of heart.

I know that I'll be behind lots of people. I guess this is my opportunity to catch up. To learn what I haven't yet learned. To perfect my technique and to be a great cellist. I think I could be great. I certainly don't have the chops right now, but what I do have is the heart. That's what makes me special as a musician. If only I had the pristine technique to support that heart, then I could really play with the big boys.

My constant fear in life is that, in whatever aspect, I will not be good enough. I am foolishly in constant search of evidence to support my fear, and right now it's pretty well emphasized. I have few friends, and none of them terribly close. I am preparing to begin the adventure of graduate school, where I'm certain I will land in every remedial class they offer. I haven't been on one date all summer. I want to lose weight and--for once in my life--get to a place where I feel good about my body, but I can't seem to do it.

Maybe all of these things are related. Maybe it's not the fact that all these things are happening that make me fear that I'm not good enough--perhaps instead it is the fact that I'm doubtful of my own self-worth that creates these situations. In any case, I want to like myself. I can hardly remember a time when I have.