"My loneliness is killing me . . . "

I never thought I'd miss Provo so much. Of course, it's not Provo that I miss at all, really. I miss the people in Provo who love me. I feel completely alone here in Texas.

The thought has recently occurred to me that I really don't feel like anyone knows me. I know for a fact that it happens to be my fault that this is the case. I'm an incredibly guarded person. People terrify me. I can't imagine laying my whole person on a table and allowing someone else to see everything there is to see inside of me. I know that's why I really DON'T have anyone every close to me. I just don't know how to change.

I guess this isn't the first time I've thought about how closed I am. It's just hitting me again, now that I don't even have anyone remotely close to me. I can't think of a person here that I would feel comfortable telling even stupid stuff--about my crushes, or being scared about UNT or whatever. At least at the Y I had roommates to talk to. While I love my parents, I get the feeling that they don't really want to listen to me a lot of the time. I mean, they're real grown-ups, and they're in a completely different stage of life than I am, so I think it's just hard for them to relate to me.

Thinking about it now, I'm wondering if perhaps that is why I am holding onto my extra pounds. Being overweight is my buffer--it ensures that no one tries to get too close to me. I can hide behind my weight, so when anyone talks to me, they're not really seeing ME. Likewise, if I get rejected, I can blame it on the weight. And I do, often! I always say things to myself like, "Maybe he'd like me if I were thin!" Maybe it's not the fact that I'm fat that steers people away from me--maybe it's the Fat Mentality. I wonder, if I could somehow stop making excuses for myself and own up to what I am, if that would change my relationships with people.

I want to be done. I want to stop thinking about my body so much. I want to go try on clothes without ending up completely depressed. I want to have no excuses to make for myself--I want to love myself so that others can love me. I want to stop being scared and I want to give everyone permission to get inside of me. I want to be a normal, functioning human being for once in my life.