Just a Quick Note

I've been really stressed lately.

But I've also been really well-loved lately.

Yesterday was a pretty crappy day until . . . oh, about 8pm. You know those people in your life who always make you feel better, no matter how hard you've been beating up on yourself or how little you enjoy your own company? I don't understand how he can do it, but it was very much needed. I'm probably the luckiest girl in the world.

To add to it, when I got home, my bedroom and bathroom had been cleaned up a little bit, and I had clean, folded laundry on my bed. My mommy warmed me up a plate for dinner. It's nice to be loved.

After that, I had a rehearsal with my Dad. It was semi-crappy. And (as seems to be the default action for me these days) I started crying. He talked with me for a good while, almost until 1am.

It's things like this that show me it's really not the big things that demonstrate love, but instead the sum total of all the little things. I'm so fortunate to have such wonderful people in my life.

Happy Thanksgiving

Things for which I am thankful:

*My family. My Mom and Dad are the best. They are never-ending sources of love and support for me, and I appreciate so much being able to see them more often now that I'm back home. I have the best big brother a girl could ask for, who has always been there for me--and now I have a beautiful sister-in-law, too. Add to that my grandparents, aunts & uncles, and a handful of cousins (and, of course, my cute doggie), and I have a lot to be grateful for.

*My friends. I have so many wonderful friends, both near and far. I think that is perhaps the greatest blessing of my having been at BYU for four years: being able to make so many great and lifelong friends. It's been harder than I thought to build up a social circle again here at home, so I'm even more grateful for the friendships I've been able to build and rebuild while here. I am so fortunate to have all these people that I know will be there for me through joys and sorrows, even when time and distance make it difficult to do so.

*The fact that my basic needs are met (something we all take for granted at times). I have a roof over my head and a bed beneath the rest of me. I have food to eat every day of my life. I have clean water to drink. I can take a shower as often as I like. I wear clean clothes every day. I don't live in fear that someone will hurt me or kill me. Basically, I live a carefree life. I never have to think about what I need to do to survive today.

*My faith. This (like all of the above) is a big topic, spanning a lot of others. So much of my existence, and how I hope to be when I "grow up" is based upon things that I have learned and that have been confirmed to me through spiritual experiences. Without these experiences, I would be without direction or hope. I'm grateful that my Creator has enough interest in me to see to it that I learn and grow as I should.

*The luxury of music. If I were spending all my energy on survival, I would have none left for music. I don't know how music can be all that it is, but I am grateful for the opportunity to be a part of it. It is life, love, happiness, anguish, heartbreak, humanity . . . it always gives me a lot to think about, and I'm glad that I get to experience it so regularly.

*The opportunity to get an education. There are so many people in the world who don't get this chance, and for some reason I'm one of the few who has been so blessed. This is very easy to forget, especially this close to the end of the term and all the stress that comes therewith, but I'm glad to get to go to school.

Those are the big things. However, there are all kinds of little things I'm very grateful for:

*hugs
*toilet paper
*deodorant
*ice cream
*toothpaste
*the internet
*the U.S. Postal system
*cellular telephones
*my car
*umbrellas
*sweaters
*cotton/spandex blends
*metronome
*mechanical pencils
*pens that write well
*lip balm
*spellcheck
*chocolate milk
*protein bars
*hand lotion
*socks
*Thai food
*cuddling
*open-mindedness
*unspoken agreements
*TV on DVD
*the sense of smell
*(okay, ALL the senses)
*hot cocoa on a cold day
*roommates, even though I don't really have any right now
*Morningstar Farms
*facebook birthday notifications
*beautiful sunsets
*good books
*Disney-Pixar films
*dictionaries
*Wikipedia / imDb / urbandictionary
*shampoo AND conditioner
*memories

I could go on for a while. I've got a lot to be thankful for . . . and thank YOU for being a part of it. I love you. :-)

Thanksgiving Break, Here I Come!

Yay! I survived today! Now all I have to do is get through tomorrow--two more lessons (to stack on the four I had today), and then it'll be THANKSGIVING BREAK! Which means--barring practicing for the two juries, preparing two 20-minute presentations, and solidifying my part for the recital that will all ensue shortly after the break, and moving into my new room (i.e., my brother's old room)--I have four and a half days to do absolutely nothing. In other words, now that I don't have school, I'll have time to do everything I should have been doing all semester long.

Is it bad that I don't even really know when classes end? Or when my finals will be? Or that I'm not really concerned about either of those?

I'm one of those people who never really knows what's going on. You know how some people can tell you exactly when daylight savings ends or when school is off for Presidents' Day or all of that stuff? That is not me. Somehow, I just keep going to class until the teacher says something like, "Well, it's been a pleasure having you in class this semester, good luck on the final . . ." and it all works out okay. Maybe someday I'll be on top of things.

I can't believe it's already so close to the end of the semester. Wild. And what a semester it has been. I kind of can't wait for Christmas already.

I'm lying down now . . .

. . . because I've been sitting ALL DAY, and my butt hurts. I guess that's what I get for being in a major for which my principal activity requires sitting.

Nevertheless . . .

It's been a pretty good day. The first exciting thing that happened was that I had a lesson. I truly enjoy my lessons now, which is a huge contrast from before. I used to dread my lessons, hoping that there would be a note on the door saying, "JB (my old teacher) is out today due to illness" (and, incidentally, that happened quite often). Here, though, with my new teacher, I never dread lessons. What is more, I always leave them feeling more inspired and hopeful about my abilities--again a contrast from when I'd leave former lessons feeling depressed, worthless, and guilty. EO (my new teacher) never uses guilt as a means to motivate. It's not that effective, anyway.

Most of the rest of the day was spent in various rehearsals. I had an endearing moment in orchestra when the soloist looked at me, winked, and then proceeded to confirm an appointment for tomorrow via sign language. It was delightful.

Another endearing moment took place after another rehearsal. One of the girls in the ensemble and I were chatting in the hallway, and she asked me if I'd found lots of friends in the time I'd been here. I gave some roundabout answer, and she proceeded to tell me that she'd been abandoned by her fellow graduate students who'd finished and graduated the previous year. It was then I realized that she was basically asking if she could be my friend, which I thought was pretty ridiculously adorable. I can definitely sympathize with a need to socialize, and I'm quite flattered that she feels both comfortable enough with me to request such a thing as well as that apparently she thinks I'm someone she'd like to hang out with. Pretty funny, but I dig it.

As for our concert tonight, let it be said that I almost missed it. There was a basketball game, which rendered parking almost impossible. I parked so far away by the time I found a spot (5 minutes to curtain) that I had to all but sprint, cello in tow, alllllllllll the way to the hall. Thankfully, there were still people in the hallway when I got there, so I knew the concert hadn't started. I suppose that's why you always plan for the worst-case scenario . . . because you never know when it might actually be the truth. It took me three times as long to walk BACK to my car after the concert, true to the fact that "Jogging gets you there in 1/4 the time." (I'm figuring in some extra time for the cello, by the way).

And so, I continue to take it one day at a time, hoping every day that I don't die along the way.

Engage!

Do you ever feel like you're not really participating in the events of your life? The past couple of days--yesterday in particular--I've been experiencing that. My brain felt pretty turned off. I couldn't focus on anything, and when people would talk to me, I would be completely zoned out. Even when I was playing cello, I felt totally uninvolved, which isn't a good thing by any stretch of the imagination. I wonder why I've been so disengaged.

Something I've been pondering lately (as a possible cause of my divorcement from my life) is the concept of energy. We all know the First Law of Thermodynamics: Energy can neither be created nor destroyed, only converted from one form to another. I believe we think too little about the real concept of energy, though.

What brought me to this idea is the same thing that brings me most of my semi-deep thoughts: music. I watch a lot of performances, and very few of them are what I would classify as "great." I see plenty of technically impressive performances (correct notes, clear delivery, flawless), but that alone is not enough to merit greatness. I even see lots of performances that are "musical" and "expressive," and still I find myself desiring something more. What is it, then? This "je ne sais quois" that makes a particular performance truly great?

I've decided it's a matter of energy. When there is a truly great performer onstage, he or she commands every bit of attention the audience can muster. It stirs something in everyone.

Cesar Millan (the Dog Whisperer) always talks about projecting energy, and that dogs respond to that. I've seen that to be true in dogs (ask me about my story), and I wonder if maybe they have it figured out a little better than we do. Maybe in our attempts to clarify everything using the tools of language, of "communication," we lose a very base and essential method of transmitting information: ENERGY.

I think of Christ and the woman with the issue of blood from Luke 8. When she touched the hem of His garment, He felt virtue had gone out of Him. He was aware of energy.

I wonder if we paid more attention--not to what people said, but instead what they projected--we would be much better in touch with one another. My guess is we would be. We all have the ability to be so much more in tune with one another, with the energies all around us. I mean, in extreme cases we do pretty well: when a friend walks into the room and you know immediately that he or she is stressed out or heartbroken or elated . . . what if we tried to apply that same sensitivity every second of every day, even with strangers?

There's a lot more I've thought about on this subject, but that hasn't been fleshed out in a way that I can articulate just yet. I guess the moral of the story is this: Energy is a big deal.

Time Travel

I hope you've all gotten at least the recommended dose of Riboflavin today, lest you be sucked into a whirling time travel vortex. Today is the one day a year (barring travel situations) where we get to live the same hour twice. What are you going to do during your extra hour?

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