So I've spent the last two days quarantined in my house, with my main activities being (1) sleeping, and (2) juice-drinking. I felt pretty excited to venture back out into my school routine today, even though I'm still on 85% here . . .
My excitement was completely obliterated by the fact that my prof was extra-snippy today. I wanted to just say, "LOOK, I DID YOUR STUPID ASSIGNMENT LYING IN BED SICK, I CAME TO SCHOOL TODAY EVEN THOUGH I STILL FEEL LIKE CRAP! GET OFF MY BACK!" She was just being very unlikeable today. I'll give her that maybe I'm just a little hyper-sensitive due to the fact that I'm not feeling well, as well as the fact that I've had such limited human contact in the past few days . . . nevertheless, it really did not make me happy that I made the extreme effort to get out of my sick-bed, shower, dress, and make it to my class on time.
Nevertheless, I'm still feeling loads better than I was before. My fever and chills have subsided, I once again actually have a desire to eat food (on a side note, while I was sick, I lost a coupla pounds), and while I still feel like my head is underwater, I can breathe somewhat, my sore throat is gone, and I feel ALMOST normal.
Maybe if I take it easy for a couple more days, I'll be all better by the end of the week. I certainly hope so.
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
Friday, January 18, 2008
Life Cycles
Years ago, as a freshman in college, I was very much disturbed by the fact that my friends and colleagues were getting married. Bearing in mind that I went to a very conservative religious institution, there were many nineteen year-old brides. I could hardly fathom that. Now that I've finished my undergraduate degree and am in graduate school, the years have passed and now announcements of engagement hardly faze me. It's not even a novelty anymore that people are going ring shopping or picking the perfect dress or sending out announcements . . . it all gets a big sigh from me (although, certainly in some cases I am very excited).
The thing that has begun to happen now is that my friends--the ones that have been getting married for the past few years--are now starting to pop out children. I heard of a woman of 26 who already had five children! But really, it's kind of freaking me out a little bit. I guess it shouldn't be such a shock to me. After all, that's generally the way little nuclear families are born. Still, to think that people that I went to elementary school and Sunday school with are now having BABIES is strange to me.
Life is funny that way. Right now, in my living room there are two family portraits handsomely juxtaposed. It is my mother's side of the family: one portrait, ca. 1985; the other, New Year's Eve 2007. It's interesting to see how everyone has grown and changed over the past two decades. Not one of us is in the same place as we were 20 years ago--progress is evident. Some of us didn't even exist then (my cousin, Scott)! And now I look at the picture of my three-ish year-old brother, grinning vigorously next to the picture of the same kid--only, now he's a man--and his new wife, and think . . . life goes on. Growing, changing, living, dying . . . life goes on. Ob-lah-di, Ob-lah-dah.
The thing that has begun to happen now is that my friends--the ones that have been getting married for the past few years--are now starting to pop out children. I heard of a woman of 26 who already had five children! But really, it's kind of freaking me out a little bit. I guess it shouldn't be such a shock to me. After all, that's generally the way little nuclear families are born. Still, to think that people that I went to elementary school and Sunday school with are now having BABIES is strange to me.
Life is funny that way. Right now, in my living room there are two family portraits handsomely juxtaposed. It is my mother's side of the family: one portrait, ca. 1985; the other, New Year's Eve 2007. It's interesting to see how everyone has grown and changed over the past two decades. Not one of us is in the same place as we were 20 years ago--progress is evident. Some of us didn't even exist then (my cousin, Scott)! And now I look at the picture of my three-ish year-old brother, grinning vigorously next to the picture of the same kid--only, now he's a man--and his new wife, and think . . . life goes on. Growing, changing, living, dying . . . life goes on. Ob-lah-di, Ob-lah-dah.
Sunday, January 13, 2008
On Sucking at Life
In the beginning of a new year (and a new semester starting tomorrow), I suppose it's a natural thing to think of ways to improve one's existence. How can I be more efficient? more studious? more productive? more responsible? How am I going to be a better person than I was last semester?
This, for me, is a weighty question. There are a hundred million ways I could be a better person, I just don't feel like I can do them all at once. I'm overwhelmed by the discrepancy between the woman I am and the woman I would like to be.
It's a blessing and a curse that I can acknowledge the many ways in which I could improve. After all, it means that in due time, I may master these tasks and be able to move onto whatever new crop of shortcomings comes up. At the same time, the fact that I can't automatically just be better at these things adds frustration--the fact that I am aware of so many shortcomings but can only concentrate on a few at a time means that those that have been recognized but remain unaddressed just exist to mock me. ("Yes, I can see you; I know you're there. I'll deal with you later.")
So how do you prioritize?
I guess, in the end, the goal is just to have a balanced, productive life--much harder than it sounds. Right now I know I'm all out of whack, but I suppose that once I find the right proportions of the different aspects of my life, I will know how to adjust things on a day-to-day basis as priorities shift. I heard a wise man cited as saying that there is no such thing as a balanced life: that at any given moment, life is out of balance. The task, then, is to assure that over an extended period of time, things are not being omitted or overemphasized. I think that makes a good deal of sense.
Maybe it's not such an overwhelming task, then. It'll just take some experimentation to find out the perfect recipe.
This, for me, is a weighty question. There are a hundred million ways I could be a better person, I just don't feel like I can do them all at once. I'm overwhelmed by the discrepancy between the woman I am and the woman I would like to be.
It's a blessing and a curse that I can acknowledge the many ways in which I could improve. After all, it means that in due time, I may master these tasks and be able to move onto whatever new crop of shortcomings comes up. At the same time, the fact that I can't automatically just be better at these things adds frustration--the fact that I am aware of so many shortcomings but can only concentrate on a few at a time means that those that have been recognized but remain unaddressed just exist to mock me. ("Yes, I can see you; I know you're there. I'll deal with you later.")
So how do you prioritize?
I guess, in the end, the goal is just to have a balanced, productive life--much harder than it sounds. Right now I know I'm all out of whack, but I suppose that once I find the right proportions of the different aspects of my life, I will know how to adjust things on a day-to-day basis as priorities shift. I heard a wise man cited as saying that there is no such thing as a balanced life: that at any given moment, life is out of balance. The task, then, is to assure that over an extended period of time, things are not being omitted or overemphasized. I think that makes a good deal of sense.
Maybe it's not such an overwhelming task, then. It'll just take some experimentation to find out the perfect recipe.
Friday, January 11, 2008
Reflections and Projections
Sometimes, you look at your life and wonder: "How on earth did I get to where I am?"
Now would be one of those times for me.
It was interesting, at the end of 2007, to recall where I had been at the end of 2006. I would say that was a low point in my life. I had just failed my pre-recital hearing for my senior recital, I was having a really hard time with my private teacher, I was generally feeling awful about myself (even more than I usually do), and I had no idea what the future would look like for me. I didn't know if I wanted to go to graduate school or take a year off to work or what--I was completely overwhelmed and unhappy with pretty much everything in my life.
A year later, the end of 2007 had found me back in D-town, in the Master's program with a professor whom I love, feeling better about myself and my work than I have in a long time, and not least of all in a wonderful relationship with the boy that I could never imagine but always dreamed of.
It fascinates me that so much has turned around for me in a year. So, I look to 2008 with excitement. I again have no idea where this year will take me. There are a lot of possibilities, opportunities, blessings, challenges, trials, joys, sorrows, surprises . . . I guess the funny thing about life is that, for all our attempts at planning everything out so carefully, you can never really predict what happens.
Now would be one of those times for me.
It was interesting, at the end of 2007, to recall where I had been at the end of 2006. I would say that was a low point in my life. I had just failed my pre-recital hearing for my senior recital, I was having a really hard time with my private teacher, I was generally feeling awful about myself (even more than I usually do), and I had no idea what the future would look like for me. I didn't know if I wanted to go to graduate school or take a year off to work or what--I was completely overwhelmed and unhappy with pretty much everything in my life.
A year later, the end of 2007 had found me back in D-town, in the Master's program with a professor whom I love, feeling better about myself and my work than I have in a long time, and not least of all in a wonderful relationship with the boy that I could never imagine but always dreamed of.
It fascinates me that so much has turned around for me in a year. So, I look to 2008 with excitement. I again have no idea where this year will take me. There are a lot of possibilities, opportunities, blessings, challenges, trials, joys, sorrows, surprises . . . I guess the funny thing about life is that, for all our attempts at planning everything out so carefully, you can never really predict what happens.
Wednesday, January 9, 2008
Welcome to 2008
It's still hard to believe that it's a new year. I spent the holidays in Honolulu with my mom's family, which was delightful (although, I could think of one thing that would have greatly improved the trip . . . and I saw him yesterday).
My grandparents are pretty awesome people. They've slowed down a lot since the last time I saw them, but they are still kickin'. For some reason, although this has been the first time that we stayed at their house without them having been there (they've moved to an assisted living home), I feel as though I bonded more thoroughly with them this time around. They're very sweet, and I love to see that they still love each other. It was so sweet to see my grandpa shuffling around saying, "Where's my girl??" or to see them holding hands . . . I want that someday.
I don't want it to be the start of the new semester just yet. I suppose it's not so bad. I do enjoy immensely the extra time I get with The Boy during vacation, but it's okay that life isn't all fun and games. It just makes these times all the more precious.
Actually, that's something that's been playing on my mind a lot lately. Part of it may be that I just read Tuesdays with Morrie, which discusses this pretty heavily, but part of it, too, was simply being in beautiful Hawaii and enjoying being alive. You can't help but feel alive as the sea breeze caresses your face, as you hear the sound of the surf, as you listen to the sounds of the birds and smell the plumeria . . . as you surround yourself with family. That is what it means to be alive.
So I'm blessed, and I'm grateful to be alive.
My grandparents are pretty awesome people. They've slowed down a lot since the last time I saw them, but they are still kickin'. For some reason, although this has been the first time that we stayed at their house without them having been there (they've moved to an assisted living home), I feel as though I bonded more thoroughly with them this time around. They're very sweet, and I love to see that they still love each other. It was so sweet to see my grandpa shuffling around saying, "Where's my girl??" or to see them holding hands . . . I want that someday.
I don't want it to be the start of the new semester just yet. I suppose it's not so bad. I do enjoy immensely the extra time I get with The Boy during vacation, but it's okay that life isn't all fun and games. It just makes these times all the more precious.
Actually, that's something that's been playing on my mind a lot lately. Part of it may be that I just read Tuesdays with Morrie, which discusses this pretty heavily, but part of it, too, was simply being in beautiful Hawaii and enjoying being alive. You can't help but feel alive as the sea breeze caresses your face, as you hear the sound of the surf, as you listen to the sounds of the birds and smell the plumeria . . . as you surround yourself with family. That is what it means to be alive.
So I'm blessed, and I'm grateful to be alive.
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
Woo-hoo!
I just looked at my grades for the semester, and I'm astounded at how well it all turned out. I was fairly convinced I would be beginning my graduate career with a black spot (or two or three) on my transcript, which I would have blamed on taking eight classes for thirteen credit hours (where full-time for a graduate student is 9-12 hours). Miraculously, though, it all worked out . . . and I just like to look at the list of grades, because it's so pretty . . .
I feel like UNT in general likes me much more than BYU ever did. Maybe it has to do with the fact that my dad's a professor here (in fact, I'm sure that's a big part of it), but I definitely feel that whereas BYU largely ignored me in every way for four years of my life, UNT is paying attention, and that alone makes me want to do better.
Tonight I went to see some belly dancers--this girl from orchestra takes belly dancing lessons, and her group was performing. I found it fascinating. There was one group there who called themselves "Just Fabulous" that I found particularly intriguing. The were three ladies who were larger, but made no apologies for it. Rather, they capitalized on their bodies, celebrating them in all their glory. As I watched these three women, so brimming with life, I became so envious of their complete self-confidence. It would take a lot to get me EITHER wearing a midriff-baring costume (really little more than a bra) OR dancing in front of people, so I am astonished that they were able to do both, and to do so with complete lack of inhibition. It's as if they were saying: "Yeah, we're fat. But we're also sexy. Take that." Someday, maybe I'll reach that level of self-acceptance.
I generally shy away from discussing matters of body image, because they happen to be a sensitive issue for me, but in the name of ownership, I'm putting it out there: I've had body image issues ever since elementary school. I remember feeling self-conscious when we'd balance on the seesaw and the scale would tip to my side. The funny thing about it is that when I was that age, I wasn't at all fat. In middle school, I also thought I was grossly overweight, which was probably due mostly to the fact that most of my closest friends were tiny. I've never been predisposed to slenderness per se, so being around people who were made me feel like a cow. The point is that for me, being uncomfortable in my own skin is as normal to me as breathing. I'm certain I could name fifty things I don't like about my body without flinching.
The problem has always been my tendency to compare myself with others. In my case, the commandment "thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's ass" could be taken literally. Why am I buying into the idea that there is one standard of beauty to be upheld? I may not look like a Victoria's Secret model, but that's just one interpretation of what "beautiful" looks like. I sincerely hope for a day when I look at myself without immediately honing in on what's wrong and give myself permission to accept the beauty that is there.
I feel like UNT in general likes me much more than BYU ever did. Maybe it has to do with the fact that my dad's a professor here (in fact, I'm sure that's a big part of it), but I definitely feel that whereas BYU largely ignored me in every way for four years of my life, UNT is paying attention, and that alone makes me want to do better.
Tonight I went to see some belly dancers--this girl from orchestra takes belly dancing lessons, and her group was performing. I found it fascinating. There was one group there who called themselves "Just Fabulous" that I found particularly intriguing. The were three ladies who were larger, but made no apologies for it. Rather, they capitalized on their bodies, celebrating them in all their glory. As I watched these three women, so brimming with life, I became so envious of their complete self-confidence. It would take a lot to get me EITHER wearing a midriff-baring costume (really little more than a bra) OR dancing in front of people, so I am astonished that they were able to do both, and to do so with complete lack of inhibition. It's as if they were saying: "Yeah, we're fat. But we're also sexy. Take that." Someday, maybe I'll reach that level of self-acceptance.
I generally shy away from discussing matters of body image, because they happen to be a sensitive issue for me, but in the name of ownership, I'm putting it out there: I've had body image issues ever since elementary school. I remember feeling self-conscious when we'd balance on the seesaw and the scale would tip to my side. The funny thing about it is that when I was that age, I wasn't at all fat. In middle school, I also thought I was grossly overweight, which was probably due mostly to the fact that most of my closest friends were tiny. I've never been predisposed to slenderness per se, so being around people who were made me feel like a cow. The point is that for me, being uncomfortable in my own skin is as normal to me as breathing. I'm certain I could name fifty things I don't like about my body without flinching.
The problem has always been my tendency to compare myself with others. In my case, the commandment "thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's ass" could be taken literally. Why am I buying into the idea that there is one standard of beauty to be upheld? I may not look like a Victoria's Secret model, but that's just one interpretation of what "beautiful" looks like. I sincerely hope for a day when I look at myself without immediately honing in on what's wrong and give myself permission to accept the beauty that is there.
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
Welcome to Christmas Break.
Now that I have all the time in the world to make my squeaky little blog-voice heard, I find myself struggling to come up with anything worth saying.
So, I'll pleasure you with my vacation to-do list (more of a list of my personal goals, I suppose):
*Read! I want to reread 1984, The Four Agreements, and maybe The Heart is a Lonely Hunter and read The Forest People and (as per Andy's encouragement) the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy.
*Put my room together once and for all. It's currently in a state of complete disarray and I HATE it. (I switched bedrooms over Thanksgiving Break, and haven't had time or energy to devote to making my new room make sense until now.)
*Exercise more--like, at least a couple 2-3 times a week. Yeah, I've been slacking, and I feel somewhat pallid as a result. Plus, you know, supermodel.
*Write in my journal. Once a week at least. Again, I've been slacking, although not for lack of effort. I just seem to fall asleep before I can complete an entry.
*Ahh, SLEEP! I'm going to sleep during the break.
*Choose my rep for next semester.
*Study for the Music History Grad Placement Exam. For Fall, I missed passing the first half by one lousy question, and I don't want to land myself in remedial music history.
Uhh, that's all I can think of right now. But hooray for the break!
So, I'll pleasure you with my vacation to-do list (more of a list of my personal goals, I suppose):
*Read! I want to reread 1984, The Four Agreements, and maybe The Heart is a Lonely Hunter and read The Forest People and (as per Andy's encouragement) the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy.
*Put my room together once and for all. It's currently in a state of complete disarray and I HATE it. (I switched bedrooms over Thanksgiving Break, and haven't had time or energy to devote to making my new room make sense until now.)
*Exercise more--like, at least a couple 2-3 times a week. Yeah, I've been slacking, and I feel somewhat pallid as a result. Plus, you know, supermodel.
*Write in my journal. Once a week at least. Again, I've been slacking, although not for lack of effort. I just seem to fall asleep before I can complete an entry.
*Ahh, SLEEP! I'm going to sleep during the break.
*Choose my rep for next semester.
*Study for the Music History Grad Placement Exam. For Fall, I missed passing the first half by one lousy question, and I don't want to land myself in remedial music history.
Uhh, that's all I can think of right now. But hooray for the break!
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