RMH, This is Your Life!

Wow, what a whirlwind. I've had several blogworthy insights in the past few weeks, yet have not had the luxury of recording them (the irony of bloggerdom: if you have the time to blog, you often have nothing to blog about; if you have lots to say, you don't have the time to write it out). C'est la vie. My brilliant insights would have carried titles like "What's in a name?" or "An ounce of Preparation" or "Fast Friends." They would have been really good posts. You'd have loved them. But, those insights are probably lost forever: a testament to the fact that being busy isn't always what it's cracked up to be.

Mainly, I just can't believe I'm really and truly at this point in my life. I'm a graduate student. I'm a TA. I'm in my mid-twenties. I'm getting married in just over two months!

I had my first dress fitting on Monday, and it was kind of surreal. There I was, in the store, all dressed in white, being fitted for a WEDDING gown. Crazy. However, though I have been excited all along, I think after four months of engaged-ness, reality is finally beginning to set in. I picked up the invitations today, and it's all starting to look more and more like real life.

And my life is awesome right now. Exceedingly.

Rachel . . .

Rachel is . . .
*inconsistent
*engaged to the most wonderful boy in the world
*a lover, not a fighter
*100% biodegradable
*somewhat flaky
*a respecter of the written word
*unsure of her dreams
*selfish
*much more eloquent on paper than in person

Rachel is not . . .
*who she would like to be
*a pro-wrestler
*a polyglot, much as she would like to be
*humble
*Grace Kelly
*a good liar

Rachel likes . . .
*Andrew K. Richardson
*Johannes Brahms
*cooking and baking
*really good hugs
*snuggling
*handwritten expressions of appreciation
*fall weather
*sunsets
*animals


Rachel does not like . . .
*herself, a lot of times
*inappropriate use of windshield wipers
*the vacuum created when only one car window is open
*neon colors
*radio commercials
*olives
*driving
*dirty socks
*waking up

In poor form.

This week has not been a good one for me. In fact, I have been pretty miserable the whole time. I feel like I have not done a single thing right all week. I am like Midas, only backwards: everything I touch turns to [expletive deleted]. I feel disconnected from everyone and everything that is important to me. I feel lonely. I feel like a dismal failure who will never amount to anything because I cannot figure out how to progress and overcome the weaknesses that I have already diagnosed and treated. It frustrates me to no end that I can't just learn the lesson and move on.

It occurred to me today that this lack of progress is a function of pride. I suppose all along that has been the missing link: humility. After all, why would I bother trying to make improvements upon a lesson I've "already learned?" Alas, I haven't ever really learned anything, and that's why I'm still here, wiggling around with the other worms, not living up to my potential.

I hate it. I hate it so much that I just want to shake myself and say, "Enough already! Let's get on with it!" Unfortunately, it's not that easy. I have a lot of stuff I need to work through. I feel completely overburdened right now, and the fact of the matter is that I have no one on earth that I can blame for my burdens other than myself--this, in turn, leads to more guilt and more weight on my load. Since everything has been sub-par this week, it all stands as a testament to how I cannot do anything right, and I am reassured of my destiny as a colossal failure.

In reality, I know that the things that have been going wrong this week are actually pretty small things in the grand scheme. I suppose that's not the point. It's a mental and emotional thing. I have spent this week convincing myself that I am a failure, and these little things were just evidence supporting my case. This is (and, I fear, will continue to be) a recurring theme in my life. I go through these phases where everything in my sight is colored by the lens of self-deprecation, and life seems to spiral downward from there. Irrational as I know it is, that haunting little voice inside of me is always the first one there to let me know when I've messed up, and to help me assess the damage to my worth. And irrational as I know it is, I almost always believe that little voice.

Again, let me be clear about a few things: I know I don't exactly have a hard life. I have a wonderful, supportive family and a dear, loving fiance who are rooting for me and are there for me. I know that God loves me and has a plan for me, and His plan is bigger than my character flaws. I have been so blessed that I can't even begin to list; I know I have a lot to be grateful for. However, none of this diminishes the fact that I am not where I need to be--nor that I don't even know where that is.

I don't believe that I have ever, in my LIFE, lived up to my potential. I came closest when I was very young, but even then I was limited in my view. I had high standards for myself and my own performance, but those standards were defined by my environment and not by my own ability. I never really tried to be my best, only enough to be better than anybody else (if it was something I was really good at), or to fall somewhere comfortably in the middle of the pack (if it was something I was not so good at). I've been aware of this fact for a while, so I wonder why I don't try to do something about it. Something is holding me back, something that is really crippling me. Or am I crippling myself?

It's a long way down to rock bottom, but there's also an intimidatingly large gap between my current position and the top. And after all these years of trying, I have no idea how to climb . . .