I'm a loser baby, so why don't you kill me?

Do you ever have those days where you just feel incredibly socially inept? Today was one of those for me. To make matters even better, I now feel guilty for being so lame. Awesome.

This is dumb. I love people, and I love being around people. So how is it that I feel so awkward sometimes? I guess a lot of it is tied to the fact that I suck at conversation. Or perhaps it's not even that so much as the fact that I FEEL LIKE I suck at conversation. So anytime I'm isolated with someone, I freak out, thinking that there is no way I can keep this person amused for the required duration of time, and instead of speaking naturally as I would with someone with whom I'm very comfortable, I spend most of the time in inner monologue saying nothing more than, "COME UP WITH SOMETHING TO SAY . . . NOW!"

I like entertaining guests, but that, too is something I haven't quite mastered. Sometimes, I feel like my parties go really well. Sometimes, they just plain suck. And then I feel really awful for having drug people to my house for some lame party that just sucks. Then I become the Thrower of Lame Parties. Then I become friendless.

I suppose this is also due in part to the fact that The Boy is out of town this weekend. I became grafted into his circle of friends as soon as we started dating, and now that I think of it (which thinking is admittedly colored by a current state of self-pity and general depression), I wonder if maybe I'm no more than an appendage to him. After all, I rarely am the one they call when "everyone's" doing something.

It was nice visiting my old friends for Spring Break for just such reasons--there, I really felt like people genuinely LIKED me. People disrupted their routines to spend time with me! Of course, I'm not suggesting that life should be like that all the time, with people putting everything aside to hang out with my illustrious self, but I guess my point is just that I really don't have that kind of network here. I don't know who I would call (after my parents and The Boy) if I were in desperate need of something.

On the up side of things, this means that (as either a cause or an effect) my Relationship with The Boy is growing deeper and more meaningful all the time. His being away is helping me to realize how much I rely on him. I do feel incomplete without him, as cliché and silly as that sounds.

Anyway, I want to be done whining and self-pitying, so I'm going to end this post now.

Looking back . . .

It's been delightful to visit with friends and loved ones in this, the locale of my undergraduate career, for these past two days. It's been delightful to catch up on the gossip in the School of Music, to make up for all the Girl Talk I've missed, and just to be around so many people I love so dearly. I've been pretty surprised, actually, at how wonderful my reception has been--I sort of thought that people had forgotten about me and I had faded from the consciousness of the population. I was shocked to discover that people to whom I introduced myself would say, "Oh, I know who you are. Everybody talks about you ALL THE TIME."

I knew that I missed everyone here, but I guess I didn't realize how much until I came and saw everyone. In a way, it's very much like I never left. At the same time, I feel a certain sense of disconnectedness--I am no longer a part of this community.

Part of the strangeness comes from the fact that I feel myself in somewhat of a time warp. I keep seeing people and thinking they look like someone I know, and then I have to quickly evaluate whether it's feasible for them to be in this particular location at this time. We do that all the time anyway, but usually it's easier. You have a pretty good handle on people that you regularly, and if it looks like someone you know from some other stage in your life, odds are it's actually not. Here, though, I do see people from my "former" life, and it's weird.

The long and short of it is that I love everyone, and I'm glad I've gotten to visit.

Keep Your Hands and Feet Inside the Vehicle . . .

I would classify the past few weeks as having been an emotional roller coaster. I don't know what it is, but lately my emotional state has been just about as consistent as the Texas weather in the same amount of time (for the record: including torrential downpours, freezes, fires, ridiculous winds, and a few perfect days).

The weirdest thing about it all is that I can't seem to figure out a cause and effect relationship in my crazy emotions. I wonder if it's stress. I know my last post was just talking about how I felt like I was finally getting a handle on life, but I suppose if I'm honest with myself, I'm realizing that I still have a ways to go. I feel like I'm being pulled in so many directions, and my life seems to be constantly at odds with itself. At the crux of the issue is the fact that EVERYTHING in my life seems to want to be my number one priority. I've always been bad at prioritizing anyway, but I've never been more conflicted with everything I'm doing. I think I used to be able to do everything, because I didn't have such conflicts.

And so, I'm realizing that it's impossible for me to do it all--at least, until I figure out how to exist simultaneously in more than one location. The sad thing is that I don't want to give up any of it. If I didn't want to do things, maybe I would have an easier time saying 'no.'

Nevertheless, I feel sad for people who have been around me in the past little while. I've felt quite unstable and out of sorts. Sometimes I cry unnecessarily, or am short with people for no good reason, or feel really happy, or feel like a complete failure at everything . . . and it's frustrating because I'm at least sensible enough to recognize that I'm off the charts, but somehow still not sensible enough to make sense of myself. I can say, "Self, you're acting CRAZY!" but I have no idea what may have brought said craziness about or how I could possibly make it stop.

All that said, I've got to say that I feel much better about things now that I've cleaned my room. There's something incredibly therapeutic about transforming a room from a state of chaos into a state of order. If only it were so simple.