Is it just me . . . ?

You know how people are sending mass invites to wedding groups on facebook these days? Groups like, "Ferdinand and KoKo need your address!!!!!" or "JimBo and Cruella are getting married and want you there!!!"

Am I the only one who gets these and wonders every time if it's a mistake? Maybe it's a testament to my low self-esteem, but every time I get one of those group invites, I think to myself, "Oh, they probably clicked my name by accident." I think, "We were never really that close," or "I haven't talked to her in so long," or "Why would he want me there?" I almost always assume that it was an error in clicking--that they meant to click on some OTHER Rachel in their list, and just happened to click my name instead. Sigh.

So then it puts you in an awkward position. You really WANT the mass facebook invite to be something more, to be a symbol of the fact that they want you to be there on their special day, and you wish more than anything else that it's a genuine, heartfelt invitation intended just for you . . .

but what if it's not? What if you reply, as requested, with your address, and the sender of the invitation realizes that you weren't on The List, and they messed up. Now they know that you think you're better friends than they think you are! And there's no way to recover from something like that. On the other hand, what if they DID intend it for you personally, and you DON'T reply? Then THEY feel sad, like it's not an important invitation to you, and you've just disregarded their desire to include you in their special day. It's a lose-lose situation.

I guess this is rooted in my personal paranoia that I always like people more than they like me--a terror that has been with me ever since I was very young.

The Truth About Cats and Dogs

Our beagle, Zoë, is coming up on ten years (70 in dog years).



She's a sweet dog (as you can see), but she has gotten quite used to ruling the roost around here. It must have come as quite a shock when we introduced a new family member to her a little more than a week ago. Enter Yuki (Japanese for "snow"), a siamese-tabby mix of about 9 weeks now:



She's pretty adorable, but has thrown off Zoë's groove. Initially, our 25-lb. beagle was absolutely TERRIFIED of the tiny house kitten. She wouldn't go near the little furball. After that wore off, no one knew what to think. Being a beagle, Zoë was immediately overcome with an intense desire to sniff the kitten, which in turn made the kitten nervous, which in turn led to her running away, and a chase inevitably ensued.

Really, though, the problem was simply that neither party knew what to think of the other. They were afraid of each other because they didn't understand one another. It was a difference of culture: the two didn't have any commonalities in language (neither uttered or acted), in appearance, in tendencies, or in anything else that might help them to make sense of one another.

Neither kitty nor doggy trusted the other. They would approach one another in curiosity, but it would always happen that one or the other would get too nervous and lunge at the other, resulting in some altercation.

Isn't this just the same as the human predicament? We are afraid of what we don't understand. When it tries to approach us, we bare our teeth or draw our claws just in case it so happens that it's out to get us. Trust is difficult; it's much easier to mistrust and exercise the "fight or flight" instinct.

Sometimes, though, all it takes is for the two parties in question to exist in one another's presence for a little while . . .



They're still not best friends, but at least there's hope.

I Like Lists.

(Non-inclusive, and in no particular order.)

Things I'm Not Good At And Wish I Could Do Better:
*reading music
*playing the cello
*opening things (doors, containers,packages)
*speaking Spanish
*making friends
*acting upon my positive impulses
*running
*using curling iron
*flipping things (like omelets and pancakes)
*driving
*taking photos
*arm-pit farting


Things I'm Not Good At And Don't Care to Improve Upon:
*video games
*most sports
*painting nails
*French-braiding
*lying
*walking in a straight line

So close, yet so far . . .

I can scarcely remember being quite so anxious for a semester to end. And while my semester will not officially be done until I turn in the paper (which will undoubtedly be mostly B.S.) for my Intro to Music Research class, in exactly twelve hours, I will be a much freer woman, having just finished my oral presentation for the same class and also my jury. Huzzah!

I think my plans for celebration will be as follows:

1. Change out of my nice clothes
2. Eat some ice cream
3. Take a nap
4. Exercise
5. Take a shower
6. Take another nap

Yes, sounds good to me.

I've had a lot of random thoughts lately, and no time in which to record them. In fact, even as I write now, I should be doing something else. However, I have sadly discovered that there is an inverse relationship between the amount of things I have to do and my desire to do them. The same is true of the relationship between how vitally important or urgent a task is and my desire to complete it. Am I crazy or does this happen to anyone else?

Thought #1: EMPATHY

I consider myself to be a pretty empathic person, but I could definitely be doing better. I think my concentration lies too heavily on relating to people I'm close to in one way or another: friends, family, schoolmates, etc. This isn't the sum of it, though. We are, after all, part of the same human family. It's unbelievably hard to strike a balance wherein you are concerned with the well-being of your fellow man without being consumed by guilt and pain because so much of the world is suffering so much of the time. I guess the main idea is just to trust that God puts in our paths those people who we need and who need us, while still maintaining an interest in mankind as a whole. I believe that we are all connected, and what happens to one happens to all.

Thought #2: YOUR REACH SHOULD EXCEED YOUR GRASP

Some people are always trying new things. Some people are always afraid to try new things. There are those who thrive on challenge and the uncertainty of results, and there are those who shrink away from anything whose end cannot be seen from the beginning. Much as I'd like to try and convince myself otherwise, I definitely fall in the latter category. There are times in my life that I reflect, and wonder what would have happened if I had opted for a gamble rather than a sure thing. My whole life, it seems, has been lived on the Path of Least Resistance. In everything I do, I consider carefully whether or not there is a chance that I will fail, and if so, how drastic the failure will be. If the risk is too great, I don't even bother. The result of this is that I am never sure of my full potential. I don't know what my limits are, because I always try to stay safely inside of them, rather than stretching them. It's safe because I can always fall back on, "Well, if I'd REALLY tried, I could have done it." My mistake is in believing that any growth occurs while inside the comfort zone.

Thought #3: WHAT'S YOUR MOTIVATION?

WE all know it's possible to do the right thing for the wrong reason. I just don't want to be that guy. So, I often opt to avoid doing it at all, whatever '"it" may be. Again, probably not the best approach.

Anyway, I know I've had more random thoughts, but my nearly-dead computer is freaking out now, so I'd better cut it short.

Taste of Perfection

There are few things in life that can be classified as perfect. It's an ideal that we are all constantly striving to achieve, and constantly missing. There are flaws, there are mistakes, there are shortcomings to everyone and everything.

Or almost everything. Today, I found a rarity.

This diamond in the rough exudes perfection and beauty simply by existing. I was brought nearly to tears when I first saw it, and found myself trembling with anticipation, aching with a desire to become intimately acquainted with such perfection. I could hardly contain myself, and although it would have been wildly inappropriate given the time and location, nevertheless, it was all I could do to keep from giving in to such desires.

So there I was, standing in the ice cream aisle of the grocery store, looking for the perfect flavor to celebrate my post-concert adrenaline. I'm a huge fan of ice cream in general, but not a huge fan of paying seven bucks for a half gallon, especially when it's just some boring flavor. By the same token, I also believe that some things (ice cream included) deserve only the very best treatment. I figure if you're going to eat ice cream at all, it'd better be the good stuff, or else you better be making a root beer float or something.

But the light of heaven shone down upon this carton of ice cream.

Peanut butter cookie dough.

That's right, peanut butter flavored ice cream with peanut butter cookie dough chunks, which translates into SHEER BLISS. Now, I would happily have paid five dollars for such a flavor, but it was the STORE BRAND, so it was less than three dollars! Way to go, Kroger. I gotta say, I don't know why that's not a standard in ice cream flavors, because it is AMAZING. You should all go try some.

I'm a loser baby, so why don't you kill me?

Do you ever have those days where you just feel incredibly socially inept? Today was one of those for me. To make matters even better, I now feel guilty for being so lame. Awesome.

This is dumb. I love people, and I love being around people. So how is it that I feel so awkward sometimes? I guess a lot of it is tied to the fact that I suck at conversation. Or perhaps it's not even that so much as the fact that I FEEL LIKE I suck at conversation. So anytime I'm isolated with someone, I freak out, thinking that there is no way I can keep this person amused for the required duration of time, and instead of speaking naturally as I would with someone with whom I'm very comfortable, I spend most of the time in inner monologue saying nothing more than, "COME UP WITH SOMETHING TO SAY . . . NOW!"

I like entertaining guests, but that, too is something I haven't quite mastered. Sometimes, I feel like my parties go really well. Sometimes, they just plain suck. And then I feel really awful for having drug people to my house for some lame party that just sucks. Then I become the Thrower of Lame Parties. Then I become friendless.

I suppose this is also due in part to the fact that The Boy is out of town this weekend. I became grafted into his circle of friends as soon as we started dating, and now that I think of it (which thinking is admittedly colored by a current state of self-pity and general depression), I wonder if maybe I'm no more than an appendage to him. After all, I rarely am the one they call when "everyone's" doing something.

It was nice visiting my old friends for Spring Break for just such reasons--there, I really felt like people genuinely LIKED me. People disrupted their routines to spend time with me! Of course, I'm not suggesting that life should be like that all the time, with people putting everything aside to hang out with my illustrious self, but I guess my point is just that I really don't have that kind of network here. I don't know who I would call (after my parents and The Boy) if I were in desperate need of something.

On the up side of things, this means that (as either a cause or an effect) my Relationship with The Boy is growing deeper and more meaningful all the time. His being away is helping me to realize how much I rely on him. I do feel incomplete without him, as cliché and silly as that sounds.

Anyway, I want to be done whining and self-pitying, so I'm going to end this post now.