Long December.

Welcome to the final month of my singleness, ladies and gentlemen. Here I am, putting off what I should be doing (practicing) to do something that has little or no merit at all. But I keep thinking of December, and how by the time it's finished, I will be just hours away from being a married woman. Nonetheless, December is a pretty wild and crazy month. It's prime time for a freelance cellist like myself to prostitute her skills out to various area churches, as well as it's finals and juries, and well . . . CHRISTMAS. It's one of those months where I just have to take one day at a time, but I know it's going to fly by. In the mean time, I'm trying to maintain a small semblance of sanity by highlighting exciting days in my brain:

Dec. 2 : Juries are over !
Dec. 4 : Last class day !
Dec. 5 : Details meeting @ Reception Venue !
Dec. 9 : Last final !
Dec. 10 : Final quartet performance / Baroque cello recital !
Dec. 24 : Christmas Eve / last Christmas church gig !
Dec. 27 : Temple Day !
Dec. 31 : New Year's Eve / Unca Chris's b-day fiesta !
Jan. 2 : Nuptials ! ! ! !

I keep telling myself I need to make it to the 10th before I really start thinking about wedding stuff, but so far that's not going so well. Ay, the whole month is already so busy! I can't believe it.

Life Goals

If I had all the time in the world, I would:

*Learn at least three languages other than English fluently (Spanish, French, Japanese?)
*Go to culinary school / become a foodie
*Write my memoirs
*Write a novel
*Start my vegetarian bakery-cafe
*Become a yogi
*Learn to juggle
*Learn to knit
*Sleep 8 hours every night
*Write more handwritten letters
*Learn how to play the piano
*Get a massage therapy license
*Get SCUBA certified
*Learn my orchestral excerpts really well and practice them daily and
*Learn and memorize all of the presidents of the U.S. in chronological order

Hey There, Delilah

I. Put your iTunes/Ruckus/Napster/etc on shuffle.
II. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
III. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS!
IV. Tag 5 friends who might enjoy doing this. Whoever wants to can do it.

I had to weed through my playlist to get one with songs with titles, versus classical selections with opus numbers and so forth, and this is what I came up with.

1. IF SOMEONE SAYS "IS THIS OKAY" YOU SAY?
On & On - Erykah Badu

2. WHAT WOULD BEST DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY?
I'll Never Fall In Love - Elvis Costello

3. WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
The Girl from Impanema - Astrud Gilberto ("tall, and tan, and young, and lovely . . .")

4. HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?
Hoodlehoo - Brak

5. WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE?
Pretty Woman - Al Green (that's pretty much the only reason I get up in the morning, because I am so pretty)

6. WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO?
Desired Constellation - Bjork

7. WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
What's Goin' On (Live) - Marvin Gaye

8. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR PARENTS?
Smile - Nat King Cole (awww)

9. WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
What a Wonderful Thing Love Is - Al Green (pretty much)

10. WHAT IS 2+2?
Nature Boy - John Pizzarelli Trio (huh?)

11. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?
Red and Yellow - Liz Rhodes

12. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
Do Right Woman, Do Right Man - Aretha Franklin

13. WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
This Way Out - John Pizzarelli Trio

14. WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
Maybe - The Chantels (maybe I want to grow up, but probably not?)

15. WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
Zingor - Zorak ("I've got ants in my pants as I do the mating dance for Zingor . . .")

16. WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
O Pato (The Duck) - Joao Gilberto (quack, quack)

17. WHAT WILL/DID YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
Careless Love - the Hi-Los (ouch, I may want to rethink that one)

18. WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
Smile - Michael Lord (another ouch)

19. WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
The Nearness of You - Norah Jones (oooooh baby)

20. WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
Let's Get it On - Marvin Gaye (that's right, I want to get it on with ALL OF YOU)

21. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
Searching - Erykah Badu

22. WHAT'S THE WORST THING THAT COULD HAPPEN?
Killing Me Softly with His Song - the Fugees (that would suck, yes)

23. HOW WILL YOU DIE?
Feather Queen - Liz Rhodes

24. DOES ANYONE LIKE YOU?
I Just Called to Say I Love You - Stevie Wonder (I'll be waiting for that call)

25. IF YOU COULD GO BACK IN TIME, WHAT WOULD YOU CHANGE?
How Sweet It Is to be Loved By You - Marvin Gaye

26. WHAT HURTS RIGHT NOW?
Easy Living - Billie Holiday (yeah, my life's pretty good)

27. WHAT WILL YOU POST THIS AS?
Hey There Delilah - Plain White T's

A Message From Myself

"Gather ye rosebuds while ye may." I forgot that I set that as the welcome message on my phone, and it made me a little reflective today. But I don't want to be reflective. I am in the mood for a silly post. So, here's a list of random memories in the recesses of my brain.

*In Sunday school once, the boy who used to chew on his socks (after having worn them) fell out of his chair while sitting next to me. Our teacher got mad at him, saying he could have maimed me for life. I didn't know what "maimed" meant, but it didn't sound good, so I was mad at him too.

*In second grade, I drew a picture of a Siamese cat named Ginger, in honor of my beloved cat-loving teacher by the same first name. When I showed it to her, she said, "That's my first name!" and I said, "I know. I named it after you!" Now that I think of it, I don't know if she was happy about that or not.

*I had a really bad dream once when I was quite small. A big, fat, round thing (rope? I don't really know what it was) and a tiny little piece of string. The big, fat, thing smashed the little piece of string. For some reason, that imagery really disturbed me, so much that I woke up crying. My parents came in and comforted me, saying something about how it wasn't fair that the big thing picked on the little thing, but it wasn't any concept behind the dream, but the actually imagery of it that disturbed me so much.

*In middle school, my friends and I had code names for boys we liked. We thought we were being so clever, saying "Baylor" instead of "Taylor" and "Codfish" instead of "Cody."

*My friend Jamey had a sweet dog (cocker spaniel, I think) named Crystal, and a stuffed monkey named Virgil.

RMH, This is Your Life!

Wow, what a whirlwind. I've had several blogworthy insights in the past few weeks, yet have not had the luxury of recording them (the irony of bloggerdom: if you have the time to blog, you often have nothing to blog about; if you have lots to say, you don't have the time to write it out). C'est la vie. My brilliant insights would have carried titles like "What's in a name?" or "An ounce of Preparation" or "Fast Friends." They would have been really good posts. You'd have loved them. But, those insights are probably lost forever: a testament to the fact that being busy isn't always what it's cracked up to be.

Mainly, I just can't believe I'm really and truly at this point in my life. I'm a graduate student. I'm a TA. I'm in my mid-twenties. I'm getting married in just over two months!

I had my first dress fitting on Monday, and it was kind of surreal. There I was, in the store, all dressed in white, being fitted for a WEDDING gown. Crazy. However, though I have been excited all along, I think after four months of engaged-ness, reality is finally beginning to set in. I picked up the invitations today, and it's all starting to look more and more like real life.

And my life is awesome right now. Exceedingly.

Rachel . . .

Rachel is . . .
*inconsistent
*engaged to the most wonderful boy in the world
*a lover, not a fighter
*100% biodegradable
*somewhat flaky
*a respecter of the written word
*unsure of her dreams
*selfish
*much more eloquent on paper than in person

Rachel is not . . .
*who she would like to be
*a pro-wrestler
*a polyglot, much as she would like to be
*humble
*Grace Kelly
*a good liar

Rachel likes . . .
*Andrew K. Richardson
*Johannes Brahms
*cooking and baking
*really good hugs
*snuggling
*handwritten expressions of appreciation
*fall weather
*sunsets
*animals


Rachel does not like . . .
*herself, a lot of times
*inappropriate use of windshield wipers
*the vacuum created when only one car window is open
*neon colors
*radio commercials
*olives
*driving
*dirty socks
*waking up

In poor form.

This week has not been a good one for me. In fact, I have been pretty miserable the whole time. I feel like I have not done a single thing right all week. I am like Midas, only backwards: everything I touch turns to [expletive deleted]. I feel disconnected from everyone and everything that is important to me. I feel lonely. I feel like a dismal failure who will never amount to anything because I cannot figure out how to progress and overcome the weaknesses that I have already diagnosed and treated. It frustrates me to no end that I can't just learn the lesson and move on.

It occurred to me today that this lack of progress is a function of pride. I suppose all along that has been the missing link: humility. After all, why would I bother trying to make improvements upon a lesson I've "already learned?" Alas, I haven't ever really learned anything, and that's why I'm still here, wiggling around with the other worms, not living up to my potential.

I hate it. I hate it so much that I just want to shake myself and say, "Enough already! Let's get on with it!" Unfortunately, it's not that easy. I have a lot of stuff I need to work through. I feel completely overburdened right now, and the fact of the matter is that I have no one on earth that I can blame for my burdens other than myself--this, in turn, leads to more guilt and more weight on my load. Since everything has been sub-par this week, it all stands as a testament to how I cannot do anything right, and I am reassured of my destiny as a colossal failure.

In reality, I know that the things that have been going wrong this week are actually pretty small things in the grand scheme. I suppose that's not the point. It's a mental and emotional thing. I have spent this week convincing myself that I am a failure, and these little things were just evidence supporting my case. This is (and, I fear, will continue to be) a recurring theme in my life. I go through these phases where everything in my sight is colored by the lens of self-deprecation, and life seems to spiral downward from there. Irrational as I know it is, that haunting little voice inside of me is always the first one there to let me know when I've messed up, and to help me assess the damage to my worth. And irrational as I know it is, I almost always believe that little voice.

Again, let me be clear about a few things: I know I don't exactly have a hard life. I have a wonderful, supportive family and a dear, loving fiance who are rooting for me and are there for me. I know that God loves me and has a plan for me, and His plan is bigger than my character flaws. I have been so blessed that I can't even begin to list; I know I have a lot to be grateful for. However, none of this diminishes the fact that I am not where I need to be--nor that I don't even know where that is.

I don't believe that I have ever, in my LIFE, lived up to my potential. I came closest when I was very young, but even then I was limited in my view. I had high standards for myself and my own performance, but those standards were defined by my environment and not by my own ability. I never really tried to be my best, only enough to be better than anybody else (if it was something I was really good at), or to fall somewhere comfortably in the middle of the pack (if it was something I was not so good at). I've been aware of this fact for a while, so I wonder why I don't try to do something about it. Something is holding me back, something that is really crippling me. Or am I crippling myself?

It's a long way down to rock bottom, but there's also an intimidatingly large gap between my current position and the top. And after all these years of trying, I have no idea how to climb . . .